I honestly can't even help myself when it comes to writing my way through life's milestones and ups and downs. Writing has really always been one of my natural go-to coping mechanisms. I can remember keeping a journal when I was young, and writing like mad when I had a fight when my parents, a fall-out with a friend, or a make-up or break-up. I've written my way through numerable life transitions in faith, in vocation, in love, in friendship and now, in parenting and marriage.
I know I haven't blogged in forever. Like, over a year. It's not like I haven't wanted to. I keep a running list of "stories to write" in my iPhone and gosh dangit, one of these days I'm gonna get them all written...
But today, I turned 30.
THIRTY. YEARS. OLD.
How on earth did this happen? I swear I just turned 21. I feel like 30 is such a bittersweet milestone... So to collect my thoughts and try to grip my way out of the glass case of emotion that currently holds me captive--I write. And this is long. So either stop reading now and go back to whatever you were doing or go grab a cold drink and get comfortable. And maybe use the restroom just to be safe.
30 Things I learned In my 30 years: (well, I learned lots more that 30 things but these some of the major ones--and a few not-so-major but we can't be all business up in here!)
1. How to be friends with my siblings.
Growing up, I regret to say that I was not the best of "friends" with my sisters. We were related and shared a room and
shared stole each others clothes but we weren't really friends. Growing up I really felt closest to my brother and I think that's thanks to our 8 year difference. But something happened once I moved out of the area and away to Seattle. Kelley and I became something more than sisters, we became friends who confided in one another and had each others backs. And I really feel like once Abbey and I both shared in the joys of motherhood and parenting we became friends as well. I love my siblings. They have had my back in my darkest hours and have been my cheerleaders in life. I'm so thankful I can say that they are my friends.
2. That "home" is where you make it.
While I was living up in Kennewick attending CBC around 19 years old, I remember my parents moving out of my childhood home on Vincent Lane. It's the one and only place I have memories of when it comes to "home" from age 6-18. I refused to drive the 30 minutes south to help them. I couldn't even bear the thought of packing my childhood up into boxes to be unloaded somewhere else. But, their new house has become like "home." I've also learned the art of making a "home" out of a shared room in an apartment, out of a one-bedroom ghetto-ish apartment near downtown Seattle, and now out of a "5-year" home that's going on 7.
I'll give you a hint--it has little to do with stuff and a lot to do with love.
3. How to "compete" without sports.
I was a three-sport athlete most of my high school years and won't deny that a great deal of my identity was wrapped up in my basketball career. I made the decision to play at a community college after high school and quickly discovered what a commitment it was--even at the junior college level. I was kind of over it after a year but still had this deep need to compete and be fit. I learned how to discipline myself and put in work in the gym. I trained for a figure competition, I've run several races from 5Ks to Half-Marathons, and have fallen in love with Yoga and Paddle Boarding. I've learned that I don't have to be on a "team" to compete and I can use a variety of outlets to feed my need for competition and fitness.
4. What a real friend is.
I've had--and am blessed to have many friends. But true friends are the ones that stick around--or are maybe absent for a short while, but always seem to return. A true friend is one who you might not talk to all the time, but the instant you are in one another's company it's like you never missed a beat. At this juncture of life, I feel like I have lots of friends. I have work friends, church friends, gym friends, Facebook friends (ha!) and then I have those friends who come over and check on me when I'm sick. Or who's shoulders I can cry on. Who I can call at all times of the night to come over or who will offer to watch my kids so I can get out and breathe or will just come over and listen to me vent or cry or just breathe in between glasses of wine.
You know who you are, and I love you. And I love the friendships that are being nurtured and that will develop into this "real" friend zone. And I love my friends who I encounter in all venues in life. Friends rock.
5. Less is more.
I went through an eyeliner phase. And a bleach--like reaaaalllly bleach blonde hair phase. Need I say more? I have since really prided myself on not having an overabundance of "stuff." It gives me anxiety. I have learned to clean out my closet when I don't know what to wear instead of going shopping. And I've learned that my husband really does like me best with a touch of mascara and a smudge of lip gloss--nothing more. I like myself that way best too. I have always chosen comfort over glamour (anyone that went to Jr. High with me knows this--basketball gear and pony tail EVERY SINGLE DAY)--and not much has changed. I've just swapped yoga pants and ripped jeans for Nike shorts and comfy V-neck tees for that awesome cotton Penny Hardaway shirt I wore like, everyday.
6. International travel is addicting.
I went to Brazil before I had babies and it blew my mind. I absolutely must go back. International travel is exhilarating and life changing and I have a deep desire for more.
7. Las Vegas is not very much fun while pregnant.
But it is LOTS of fun when your not (Mike Tyson, anyone?)
8. How to forgive.
If I've learned anything in the last 5 years, this is it. And it's saved my life in so many different ways. My faith has been greatly increased as I have learned to get on my knees and pray my way through the hard times and rely on God to get me through. He hasn't let me down yet, and continues to amaze me with His perfect plan and timing.
9. My calling.
I remember praying and praying as a young English major (after dropping out of the Ed. program) at Seattle Pacific University that I would not just find a "job" but find a "calling." A purpose that would not only increase my wallet but also my soul. Well, I found it. And I didn't really have to look far because I learned from my Dad and went back and got my Masters and became a school counselor. And I haven't regretted it for a day. I absolutely love what I do.
10. You will never ever regret choosing people over deadlines.
I've said "no" to a handful of things I should have said "yes" to because of stupid reasons like deadlines, money and pressure. I have learned that experiences and friends are worth saying "yes" to. People always trump "stuff." I have learned that it's better to play and laugh than give into the pressure of having a clean and tidy house all the time. I've learned to say "yes" to a coffee or beer(s) with friends even when I have a busy day or full weekend. I've learned to stop and slow down and savor good company instead of constantly thinking ahead of whatever the next day or hour will hold. And this is absolutely imperative to my happiness.
11. How a puppy is great practice for a baby.
Oh, Honey. You have taught me so much about life and love and responsibility and fun. I will write a book about you one day. You were really like my first born. Thank you for loving my babies even though you are not the center of my attention any more.
12. How to be ok with not "having it all."
My closet consists mostly of shabby sweaters, holy jeans and old V-neck tees. My makeup bag is full of cheap cover girl. My house is 1500 square feet of hand-me-down, thrift store items that do NOT match, we drive average used vehicles and do our own (sometimes lack of) landscaping. It's easy to get sucked into the comparison trap but I'm over it. What we have is more than enough and I love the life we pieced together.
13. How to coach a 1-A JV basketball team.
OH MY GOSH. This was so eye opening. And mentally taxing and exhausting. I'll tell you in one sentence how to do this (regardless of success): just have fun and smile and laugh and encourage and encourage some more. I'm not sure the coaching gift got passed down to me from my Dad. It requires a lot of patience and pays very little for what seems like a whole lot of work...
14. How to multitask.
I used to think multitasking meant brushing my teeth or drinking a cold beer in the shower. Ha. These days, I'm changing diapers while my kids stand up and eat breakfast, showering and brushing not only my teeth by my two toddlers' teeth as well, I'm working out and giving Gracie a bottle in between sets, I'm doing laundry in between everything I do all day and every day. Dude, I can multitask.
15. How to sing Karaoke.
I'm still trying to remember. I think it was at Ozzies, though.
16. How to get away with wearing the same outfit all week.
At some points of life, in these last 30 (or 4) years you don't have a single article of clothing that fits you right (as in at all). So, what you do is find the shirt and pants that fit the least "bad" (i.e. can button, stretch the best, etc.) and wear them every day. Here's the key (I'm giving myself away, I know): wear a different scarf/necklace/vest/earrings/sweater so that no one really pays attention to the cake beneath all the frosting. Or something like that...
17. How to choose my battles and "overlook" barriers.
People do things that I don't like and that I don't understand. I can write them off or stew over how much I hate what they do or I can love them anyway. I've learned to love them anyway and when I am able to make that choice I am a much happier person and my relationships flourish.
18. How to be alone.
Up until I was about 22 years old I only knew what "alone" felt like for a few hours--maybe a night or two here and there but never REALLY alone. I married a commercial diver who on average works 200+ miles away from home on any given workday (and by workday I mean Monday-Saturday from 5am-10pm and on call 24-7). Shortly after I married him he began doing month long hitches in the Gulf of MX and I'm fairly certain I shared the bed more times with Honey than G those first two years of marriage. I have absolutely grown quite comfortable with holding the fort down while G is gone for work and on hard days with the kids actually long to get some of that alone time back. We definitely don't have a traditional marriage/family and there are times that I detest this and times that I actually love this. But it's who we are and I've learned that my attitude about it all is really a deal-breaker on the our whole quality of life.
19. To hold my alcohol.
I used to be able to drink more than one margarita on a fun social night out. I could hold my alcohol. Well, now that I've spent the last almost 3 of 4 years pregnant/breastfeeding I've learned how to "hold"(i.e. abstain) the alcohol in a whole new way. My, how life changes.
20. How to be spontaneous.
Before I had kids I used to make lists and keep a really detailed calendar that had what workouts I was going to do on what day and when I was going to go shopping and get my hair done and stuff like that. Sometimes you can find me working out in my garage at 11:30 PM. Let me repeat, PM. And I'm a "that day" hair appointment maker (annoying). And when people call last minute and ask us to do stuff I have the packing/loading process down to a science. I have learned the secret to being spontaneous is letting go of having to have it all perfect. Perfect is no fun. "Just right" is what we aim for most days and I'm "just right" with it.
21. How to reconnect.
I've learned to reconnect on many levels. I've reconnected with old friends who have re-surfaced later in life from childhood, middle school, high school and college. I've learned how to reconnect with my siblings like I said above, I've reconnected with my parents in a new way now that I, too, am a parent. And I've even reconnected to my Grandparents as I've grown. All of these reconnected relationships have been vital in my own growth over the course of my first 30 years.
22. How much becoming a Mom would change my life.
I cannot even begin to understand even a fraction of how much Jesus loves us because when I look at the sweet faces of my children my heart knows no greater love. Their dependence on me and faith in me makes me a better person day in and day out. They are my dearest treasures and the joys of my life. I store their smiles and laughter in the deepest parts of my soul. These days are hard but so very sacred.
23. How much I appreciate my parents.
Now that I know first hand how much dang WORK parenting is I have a whole new love and appreciation for my parents. I know what it's like to try to play and be engaging after a long day at work--it's HARD. But, my Dad did it. Or how tough it is to patiently sleep train or bed train or potty train or discipline with love or just have enough patience. I am the parent I am today because of who my parents were and are to me. I love them dearly and am so very blessed that "Nana and Papa's house" is just a quick jaunt up 4th street so my children can glean from their love, knowledge and affection just as I did and continue to do.
24. How to not sleep.
I remember thinking I was going to die of sleep deprivation when I'd pull an all-nighter during finals week or during my Masters program when I'd procrastinate a huge paper and spend from 9pm-7am staring into the depths of my laptop screen. HA! Imagine being up on the HOUR (or two, if lucky) with a newborn and then having to rise (for the day, not periodically) at 8 or so to CARE FOR another child? And not getting to nap whenever you want?! Or at ALL?! I remember really, really, struggling after I had Kai with the whole sleep adjustment. Now that I'm on my third kid I can say that I can bust out a 2-3 hour night of sleep and still function quite well the next day. Sometimes people ask me about my sleeping patterns and I just look that them with a blank stare and say, "yeah, I'm not really sure when I sleep." It's true. I don't know when I sleep or how much sleep I get but I just get up when I hear someone crying and make breakfast when the sun comes up and keep trucking all through the day. I'll sleep again, I just know it. But for now it's NO! SLEEP! TIL' BROOKLYN! (Beastie Boys, anyone?)
25. How to not compare.
I want to write a parenting book on how to parent NOT by the book. I have learned that what works for me doesn't work with everyone else and that it's ok, even if that everyone else is my Mom or that friend who seems to really know what she's doing. I fought co-sleeping with Kai because so many people condemned it and I suffered horribly because of it. I co-slept with Sunny and am co-sleeping with Gracie and am happier and healthier because of it. Do I judge you because you didn't? NO. I've definitely learned to embrace who I am as a parent and be open and appreciative to advice (solicited and unsolicited) but just go with my gut--that motherly instinct is no joke. I've also learned to not compare my post-baby body to others. If I did that I might be suicidal. Sometimes I want to punch Mom's who have carried four babies and have not a single stretch mark or ounce of fat on their bodies in the face but then I just take a deep breath and tell them how amazing they look and how I want to punch them because they look so good (sorry not sorry). As hard as it is to swallow I have definitely learned that my sense of self-worth was sadly wrapped up in my (svelte) image during the better part of my first 30. It's been really difficult for me to give away my size 2's and huge collection of two-piece swim suits. But in the same way that my body is different now than it was 5 years ago, my whole outlook on life is different than it was 5 years ago. Don't get me wrong--I'm working my ass off in my dusty garage trying to lose this baby weight, and on most days I do a decent job of cutting out sugars and carbs as well. But the three human beings that grew IN MY BELLY that I wake up to each morning make me grateful for each stretch mark and stubborn pound that my post-baby body boasts. To them, I am perfect. To my husband, I am beautiful. To me, I am confident, healthy and happy and beautifully and wonderfully made. End of story.
26. How to have a baby.
Not like that, sicko! Let's face it, I've had three kids in the last four years. I got the whole pregnancy/delivery thing down pretty good now. I didn't even pack a hospital bag for this last one until we were out the door and on the way to the hospital. I never thought I'd have three kids before I turned 30, but I also never imagined how much I would adore being a Mommy. I'd say it worked out pretty well.
27. How to love myself.
I have tired eyes in all of my pictures. Most days I don't wear a lick of makeup. My clothes fit weird right now. I may or may not have a little bit of spit up on my shirt. I forgot what my hair looks like down and actually "done." But you know what? I don't need to be put together and pretty and perfect to be happy or feel good about myself. I love that I can literally roll out of our bed and throw the kids in the car and take them to the story time at the library without having to look in the mirror or accessorize. Becoming a Mom has most definitely taught me how to love myself. Not the me of my early 20s but the me RIGHT NOW. The tough me that pushed out three babies and stays up late folding my husband's work laundry. The confident me that can rock dirty hair in a messy bun for two weeks straight...gross? Your right, just kidding. Or not.
28. How to be a working mom.
This one is hard. Really hard. I honestly start to tear up just thinking about leaving Gracie for over the standard 2 hours a day 4 days a week starting the end of next month. But I'm gonna do it. It's honestly not really even about the money. I mean, the retirement and benefits are a definite plus, but when it comes down to it--I have a deep need to serve others, and my job allows me to do it. I do not feel that I am "shorting" my own children by having them in daycare a few hours a week (they probably wish it was more, actually). I thrive when I am in my element at work--encouraging, supporting, and really just loving on my students. Sure, it's hard getting the kids all dressed/packed up/out the door and doing it all ON TIME, but the instant I sit down at my desk and start seeing students and checking things off of my "to-do" list in my office, I am thriving--just as I am when I'm home with my kids. I'm in my element, and I am working with PURPOSE. And then, I pack up and pick up my kids from daycare and continue right on fulfilling that role that was never really put on hold--just shared with others for a few hours a day.
29. How to stay married.
Marriage is work. I have learned to love my husband more with every day by choosing to have a spirit of gratitude and thankfulness for who he is, who he has become and is becoming, and for the beautiful life we've built together. By laughing, forgiving, talking, snuggling and just plain refusing to give up on each other.
30. How to pray.
The last 30 years have been full of love and tears and pain and beauty. They have been full of learning. Full of mistakes, full of trial and error and full of laughter. Prayer has taken me places. It has been the voice in the dark and says "you can." It has been the peace that surrounded me when my world went dark. And it is on the wind of these desperate whispers that I will be ushered into this new and beautiful chapter.
. . .
Speaking of the next chapter--here are a few of the things I hope to do/accomplish in, as Tim McGraw would sing "My Next 30 Years":
Improve my gardening/landscaping skills, Hike a section of the Pacific Crest Trail, Volunteer my time and talents to various causes, Get a tattoo, Keep a blog, Drive with friends in an RV down the California Coast, Vacation in Hawaii, Take my kids to Disneyland, Write a book or maybe more, Go on more dates with G, Spend more time with extended family, Run a marathon, Adopt or foster a child or two or more, Go on a family mission trip to a third world country...
It's been a wild {30} year ride.
I can't wait to see what God's got in store for the next 30.
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