toddlers, tantrums & oceans of grace

I've posted before about Sunny's special bedtime song--Hillsong's "Oceans." 

I sing the chorus to her every single night, which is always welcomed because Sunny and I often exist in somewhat of a rocky sea full of unpredictable weather and all that comes along with that.

But singing "waves," as she calls it, and holding her as she holds me, both of us exhausted; has proven to be the very best way to end the day.

Many a mommy tear has been shed to the singing of "waves" while I brush the wild curls away from her soft little forehead.

Typically, when she has bad days, WE have bad days. And those days are seemingly full of time-outs and temper tantrums and power struggles and regrets and lost patience and just, well, the terrible two's toddler type of turmoil.

But then at the end of the day, I hold her tired little body, warm and sweet smelling from her bath, in my arms and I rock and sing:

"I will call upon your name, 

keep my eyes above the waves, 

when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace, 

for I am yours and you are mine..."

over and over and over.

And then I lay her sleeping body in her bed, cover her up, give her a kiss and creep out of the room,

with my eyes above the waves.

It's not just a verse to the chorus of a song, it's a plea:

keep my eyes above the waves...

I'm not telling Jesus "hey, I got this."

I am asking, begging Him, to KEEP my eyes above the waves.

Maybe today you feel like you are sinking.

Like you can't tread in the thrashing waves any longer.

You feel forgotten and beaten down and hopeless.

Maybe it's a stressful work situation, maybe it's finances, maybe it's a broken relationship, maybe it's motherhood, maybe it's your health or the health of a loved one that you feel is pulling you under.

Whatever waves you feel are enveloping you,

Look up. 

He is there, keeping you afloat.

We can't see Him.

Sometimes we can feel Him and other times we can't--and when we can't, we feel alone and scared.

But He is there, IN those waves with us, and if we stop panicking and listen we can hear Him whispering:

"do not be afraid--I am here with you."

It's in those places; in those dark and quiet bedrooms and nurseries where we rock our sleeping children back and forth, back and forth, on the waves of that churning sea with exhausted tears of love of the most unconditional kind rolling down our cheeks, that we find rest. 

The tide may toss and turn, but we rock and sing and cry to that unforced rhythm of grace and lift our eyes up, up, up over the waves that we were MADE to rise above.

You are strong, you are brave, and you are LOVED.

Mommy, meet my Jesus: What I am learning about faith from my preschooler

One of the most sacred things that I get to do as a parent is teach my babies about Jesus.

In partnership with my believing extended family and our church family and things like Christian radio and other media it has been so fun to see their faith develop and begin to unfold.

I love what they are learning and picking up on and even questioning.

When I hear them belting out a worship song that they learned in church or heard on the radio I feel like I can literally feel Jesus smiling down upon them.

Hearing your children pray and sing out to Jesus is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard--even if the words are jumbled and it's completely off-tune and parts of the chorus are skipped or repeated over and over a hundred times.

It is a symphony to heaven. 

And as my Mama heart watches from the front row, 

it is their worship that teaches me. 

...

Kai is currently in a "is Jesus bigger/stronger/taller/deeper/etc." question asking phase.

It's awesome.

Here are a couple of recent examples:

On the ferris wheel with Sunny a few weeks ago as we are stopped at the very top:

"Mommy, is Jesus higher than this ferris wheel?" 

At the very top loading dock of the tram at OHSU two weekends ago:

"Mommy, can Jesus stretch higher than this tram?" 

Swinging in the "high" swings at one of the parks we frequent:

"is Jesus higher than THIS?" 

"Than THIS?!"

In the middle of one of the thunderstorms we've had here lately (that are awesome, by the way):

"Is Jesus bigger than that thunder?" "Is he LOUDER than that thunder?"

He knows the answer to all of these questions. I answer him just about the same every time:

"Yep, buddy, He sure is--isn't that awesome?!"

It's like when his senses are are exhilarated by heights or speed or sound He immediately sizes it up to Jesus. I don't know where he learned how to do this, but he's teaching me so much.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed or like things are sky high and out of my reach, I need to measure whatever problem that I feel is too big up to Jesus.

Because no matter what, Jesus IS always bigger. 

...

I die a little bit every night when it's Kai and Sunny's "turn" to talk to Jesus. I don't make them pray, but I always give them the opportunity to talk to Jesus after I have. Most nights, they take it, and I feel like I'm left either holding back tears or holding back laughter. Usually both.

Kai likes routine and often says the same thing:

Jesus help me not have that one bad dream, and that other bad dream and that other bad dream and the rest of those bad dreams. And help me not to drown in Nana's pool. And thank you for [usually something that we did that day like the park or riding bikes with a friend or eating pizza].

Sunny's are adorable. I usually ask her if she wants to "thank Jesus for anything?"

And she thanks Him for things (mostly toys and food) like:

my green turtle in the bathtub and my favorite purple spoon and for Honey and my little red frog that jumps and jumps and jumps...

They also ask for prayer for their "owies."

Just yesterday we were at the park and Kai bonked the back of His head. He wasn't crying but was holding it in and on the verge when he came over to me. I offered to kiss it and after I did he said "now can you pray for Jesus to heal it?" So I did. Right there in the middle of that busy park. And after I said "amen" he just turned around and ran back to his friends. The older couple on the bench right next to me sure got a kick out of the whole thing.

I want faith like that. When something is hurting me--whether it be physical or emotional, I want to run straight to Jesus, confident in His healing peace and love. He should be the first to hear about my worries--but all too often it's everybody else who hears about them and THEN I take them to God.

Kai knows better.

"Phillie (dog) in heaven with Jesus" By: Kai

...

And then there are all of the hundreds of questions about heaven.

The one I get most often is, "but Mommy, how will we get there?" But then there are many other questions like, "In heaven, will we have chocolate?" and "In heaven will there be a swimming pool?" and "Will we have soft beds, in heaven, to sleep on?"

The idea of "Heaven," for most, is hard to grasp.

Kai's eyes light up when we talk about it and he is anticipating getting to spend forever there--with all of his favorite things, of course.

I want to be heavenly minded in the way that my son is.

I want to long to spend eternity there with Jesus, and daydream about how wonderful it will be.

...

Formulating answers to their sometimes non-stop firing of questions about Jesus and heaven and angels and prayer and healing has given me more perspective and depth to my own faith.

I need to "think" less and do more singing with joy at the top of my lungs 

(like even in busy shopping mall dressing rooms).

I need to daily, hourly, moment-by-moment acknowledge that Jesus is 

ALWAYS BIGGER THAN IT ALL.

I need to lift my eyes, with joy and anticipation, toward heaven 

and pray with the faith of my four-year old. 

Thanks, buddy boy, for growing with me.

IF: Gathering Series Conclusion {Chris Caine}

How could I possibly pick a few key points to highlight from Chris Caine's IF: Gathering message?

Yeah right! I couldn't get my pen moving fast enough to keep up with the fire of God that was pouring out of her soul into the most convicting and beautiful and inspiring words.

The crux of her message was really about just stepping out and DOING. It was about serving and taking action and not just waiting around for God but living like there isn't a moment to waste because He is waiting for us!

I pray that as you read over the notes I have included below from her segment that they would ignite (or reignite if you have heard her message!) a fire deep within to GO. To take that step. To be a servant and love in a way that knows no bounds. To be brave enough to follow Him into the beautiful but dangerous unknown.

...

We are here to do the works that God prepared us to do before we were even here.

We are at the edge of our promised land and we will remain there unless we begin to "DO." 

We can sing, pray, talk, etc. but unless we "DO" there is no promised land.

Let go of the past and step into what will be. 

Don't hang on to "what was." 

If the horse is dead, dismount! 

We are all unhealthily attached to the past. 

Focus on the good and leave the rest at the foot of the cross.

For lasting and meaningful purpose, SERVE.

Talent does not prepare you for the battle...service does.

The devil will send a spirit of fear into EVERY transition of our lives.

Don't wait for God--He is waiting for you!

SET. YOUR. FOOT.

Begin to move. 

Joshua would NOT have taken the land 

if he didn't have faith to set foot onto the land!

Be willing to work. 

The call of God is inconvenient.

Make a decision to get into the word and 

stay in the word and 

roll up your sleeves and serve.

Communion with God HAS to be INTENTIONAL.

The glory of God is a man or woman FULLY ALIVE!

Quit talking about doing something and just DO.

Ask God "what is mine to do?" and 

open your eyes to 

who/how/when

I can serve.

Be deeply kind. Be courageous. Be brave.

He will give you the grace you need for right now. 

...

To my dear sisters in Hermiston who are "re"gathering together tonight I am praying for your time together. I wish I could be there to fellowship and pray and worship with you! 

It has been so good for me to embark on this short little series review of the "IF Gathering."

I have been able to dig deeper and really re-live the event. 

I have been humbled and convicted and encouraged and inspired. 

Thank you for reading and reviewing along with me--and thank you, Heather, for encouraging me to blog again.

It feels good to be here. 

response.

Bianca Olthoff: Joshua 6 "Walk it out"

I very much enjoyed listening to Bianca speak. She's hilarious and she's beautiful and she's passionate. Here are the notes that I had written down from her message:

There is one particular line that I find myself coming back to--and it's one that I would like to revisit and reflect upon today:

Don't lose your vision--

results are God's responsibility, but response is ours.

I don't know about you, but I keep on coming back to this:

"...response is ours."

Response is our responsibility.

How can, how am I responding to Jesus--to the gospel--to His truths and promises?

It is easy to sit and pray and read and receive....

but to respond, that takes faith.

...

So often, I get so caught up in the "big picture." I want the fruits before the labor. I want the race day without the training. I "think" I know what I need. What I'm supposed to be doing. What would be best. Where I am supposed to put my time and efforts. But that is all over my head. 

God knows where I'm going, not me. 

He asks only that I live my life--day-by-day and moment-by-moment in response to His great love and sovereignty and perfect guiding light that will only illuminate my path 

if I let Him lead.

That's faith. 

Faith is the pen gliding across the rock, unearthing our response.

Written words are brought to life not by the writing itself, but in action.

With sacrifice.

With devotion.

With tears.

With forgiveness.

With grace.

With response. 

As I run my fingers along the smooth surface of this rock that I brought back in my backpack from the Oregon Coast late last summer,

I close my eyes and hear the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore and re-live the moment that, months later, I prayerfully penned these words.

I whisper them as I roll that smooth stone over and over and over in my hand and feel them echo from somewhere deep and sacred;

like a ripple from a sandaled foot, 

swung out over a boat and onto the churning sea.

May we "be" love,

purpose & honor

I just love Bob Goff. He is one of the most beautifully inspiring people. I could listen to him speak all day long. His wife (sweet Maria) is quite wonderful, too.

He was the only male to get a speaking spot at the IF: Gathering--and I wish he would have had longer to share! His messages are always so humbling and inspiring and centered around loving boldly like Jesus and being filled with JOY.

I scribbled down several great points from Bob & Maria's message at the Gathering. I'm going to break them up into two different groups: "Purpose" & "Relationship" (Bob & Maria's words in bold)

PURPOSE

"There are many things you are "able" to do but what will last?"

"You know what gifts God has given you...now step out in faith!"

"What does the "next humblest" version of me look like? What would I do?"

"People who love like Jesus did are constantly misunderstood."

There is so much depth here.

Something I always tried to drive home to my graduating seniors while working as a school counselor was the importance of not only finding a career, but a life with purpose. I always told them that my hope for them was to not just find a "job" that benefitted their wallets, but that they would find a "purpose" that would benefit their soul. Purpose > Money.

Living a life that reflects "purpose" over "prosperity" is not a quest for the weary. It takes guts and courage, and quite frankly, Jesus.

I recently had the privilege of attending a teacher training for a wonderful program called Imagination Yoga. The women I met there were all so vibrant and beautiful and honest. It was so refreshing to meet a handful women who had worked in the corporate world for so long making the choice to follow their heart and dreams and chase after something lasting.

We were all so very different, but all united in our desire to connect, inspire, encourage, strengthen, educate and love.

What does it look like for you to step out in faith and start living a life that asks different questions? Not "what can I do" but "what will last?"

Pay attention to what makes your soul sing. It could be hospitality, gardening, painting, cooking, decorating, sewing, writing, teaching, running, reading, etc...

And do more of that.

Make {your} beautiful, God-glorifying art. 

RELATIONSHIP

"HONOR each other."

"Tell people WHO you see them becoming."

"Be joyful!"

These three simple points are crazy mind-blowing powerful if you let them soak deep down.

What does it look like to really honor one another? 

Our friends, spouses, children, co-workers, neighbors, enemies...

I find that it's often in the smallest actions that honor is put into action in the biggest way.

Honor is a smile. It's in forgiveness. It's in tired selflessness.

Honoring, is serving.

It says, "I value you," but not with words. 

With love. 

It is a choice we make, to find Jesus in the hard and ugly of the everyday sin-soaked world.

By choosing to stop and breathe and give thanks for the simple gifts like birds and sunshine and friendship.

By making it our calling to honor one another--to love boldy. 

To be exhausted and stretched and vulnerable

and filled with joy.

Love,

Don't be anxious, Mama.

Helen Lee gave a short and sweet message at If: Gathering--but it packed a punch for me.

She is an an author, speaker and "missional mom" as her blog states. I think she's pretty incredible, but you should check out her website and see for yourself.

This is all that I wrote down from her message but I had tears streaming down my face as I did--and I still revisit this quote of hers for encouragement and to just get my "mama mind" on the right track:

The most important thing you can do for your kids is to 

LOVE THEM FOR WHO JESUS CREATED THEM TO BE.

We need to just LET GO 

and TRUST that He has more in store for them than 

we could EVER KNOW!

Do not be anxious.

When you grow and birth and nurse and nurture a tiny little human into a toddler than a preschooler and so on (i'm not any further than that and won't be for A LONG TIME, OK?!) a lot happens to your brain that once was so very occupied with self and husband and dog.

There is a lot to worry about when you have tiny people in your care that you are to raise up to be upstanding, self-sustaining citizens.

Stuff like, trendy outfits and getting fundamentals down for soccer/basketball/tee-ball/[fill-in-the-blank]; like flashcards, then reading, then a foreign language; like art and music and dance classes for days and days and days and days...and then there are all of the other kinds of worry--like if you are killing your kids by feeding them gluten or dairy or by vaccinating them, for heaven's sake ("guilty"x3). And THEN the worries about sleep training and breast feeding and co-sleeping and organic produce and cloth diapers and organic rash creams and baby shampoo and interactive toys and screen time restrictions and THEN the worries about academia and tests and levels and etc., etc., etc.

Seriously. If new moms--or any moms for that matter were forced to display a screen shot of their google search history my point would be proven.

We worry because we love our little monsters more than life itself. We only want the best of the best for them and to give them the world on a platter the best way we know how.

And then words like Helen's sink in and I feel like I've been set free.

Set free from all of the above--all of the silly little worries that at times, I let absolutely CONSUME me.

The UTMOST Important thing I can do for my babies is LOVE them for who their incredible Creator made them so very uniquely and beautifully to be. NO MATTER WHAT.

And to celebrate who they are--not who I WANT them to be, but who they have been created to be.

The most important thing I can do is to breathe divine purpose into their existence through my guidance and example and LOVE. I can only do this if I have faith and trust in God; that He has plans for their life--to serve and love and honor Him.

It's SO, SO easy to lose sleep (more than we already have to, anyway) over things that are out of our control and honestly, so insignificant to what really, truly matters.

Don't be anxious, Mama.

Hold your babies close. 

Keep them in an embrace that goes beyond your grasp and deeper into the arms of grace; where they can look up to you looking up to Him, and beneath His life-giving light, bloom.

Have a wonderful weekend!

found.

BELIEF TAKES COURAGE. 

Overcome unbelief! 

(Jen Hatmaker)

We MUST chase after Jesus in order to grow.

He has more for us than we can even imagine and he WANTS to meet us there, in that place of communion and closeness, day in and day out so we can hear from him and be molded into who He has created us to be.

13-14 “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.

“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”

[Jeremiah 29:13]

The Message (MSG)

...

"He is good through the good times and He is good through the hard times." 

(Jen Hatmaker)

But it's in those "hard times" that we get lost. We get bitter and angry and selfish and question the goodness of God.

We've all been there. Some of us have stayed lost longer than others. Some of us may still be choosing to live the "lost" life.

What must God feel when one of His sheep wander off and choose to stay away?

I can't really imagine how His heart breaks but if you have ever momentarily lost sight of your small child in a busy store or at a large event you know the utter relief and joy that floods your soul when you find them.

I once lost Kai at a Christmas tree festival event in a not-huge but not-small and very packed conference center. Sunny and I frantically searched everywhere and I think I almost had cardiac arrest due to the stress of it all. I found him on the floor huddled in close laughing and playing with some of his daycare friends he had spotted while we were making ornaments--well, while Sunny and I were making ornaments, apparently. Anyway, when I found him I scooped him up and wanted to yell at him for running off but I couldn't because I was so relieved and overwhelmed with joy that I'd found my little boy. I shed tears, friends. It was the first time I had ever "lost" a child and It was scary.

...

Sometimes we might not feel lost. We might think we are doing just fine being separated from our Mom or Dad--or from Jesus. But then, when we get scooped up in those loving, strong arms and pulled into a tight embrace and we feel warm and valued and missed and just adored.

We feel found.

"Found" is how it feels to overcome unbelief and return to Him.

"Found" is how it feels to run into His grace, even when life feels like it's falling apart.

What IF, we lived like we believed we are found--

like we are loved, adored, forgiven, and saved?

Love,