for the bad days.

and today was one. oh my, was it one.

it got off to a rough start from the get go....

...i usually don't have to pump in the mornings (yes, i'm referring to breast milk) because i've gotten enough from my work "pump" session. but today, i needed to. and i only got 1 oz... i guess Sunny Boo ate all night or something. i know busting out the frozen supply is ok, but i like her to have fresh. and well, i wasted a precious 15 morning mintues for THAT?! bleh...

...then it was one of those 10 different outfits days. i need a wardrobe re-vamp like nobody's business. my closet went from size 2/4-----> 10s then back down, then back up, and now we are lost somewhere in a stretched out, ill-fitted transition and i would just really love to wear yoga pants every day, thats all...

...and my hair was wrong in everything i did. my sisters are so good with hair and i surely missed out on that gift. if you knew me in middle school, you would know that i literally wore a pony tail EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. let me just say, not much has changed. poor Sunny....

so i was sweaty mess, with an itchy outfit on and over-fussed with hair...

...and Kai didn't want to wake up, and Sunny woke up fussy (she has TWO teeth protruding her bottom gums) and my house was a disaster and i forgot to warm up my car and i couldn't find my coffee mug and yes, i could go on.....

i cursed being a working mom in the few thoughts i could think in between the obnoxious "kid songs" as i glanced back to see my sweet tired boy, still in his jammies snuggled up in his carseat who had just been ripped out of his warm crib and out of his sweet dreams...and heard my now babbling and giggling Sunny singing her happy songs as we got closer to her drop off...

and even though i leave them in a wonderful, loving, FUN place...my heart hurts to hand them off  and just go. every single day it hurts. some days, i can numb it better than others, like if i have an insanely busy day and can get myself planning/thinking about work....

..but the worst is when Kai runs to the window to wave at me and then just watches me drive away. i swear i can feel his eyes on me all the way down the street, and there hasn't been once that he has done this that i haven't fought back tears. good thing it's not a daily occurence, then i'd for sure have to stop wearing mascera....oh wait... ;)

and then i got to work and my focus was off and i was negative and cranky and i hate when i'm like that. it doesn't look good on me at all. luckily today i was buried in student files and counting credits so not too many people had to be subjected to my forced, fake "pleasantness."

today was such a monday-of-a-tuesday.

...

then i picked my kiddos up. and Kai smiled at me super big, like he always does, before he even opens his eyes from his nap. i aways wake him up the same way: "hi sweet boy, mommy's here," i whisper. and he just smiles, SO BIG, before he even opens his eyes. it melts my heart, every time.

and once we got home and unloaded we did a quick little "team" (hilarious looking, i'm sure!) workout and got some good play and snuggle time before i had to run off for my second job (tuesdays are long for me!)

...and after i kissed Kai goodbye and he headed to the park with Melina (my most awesomest babysitter!!) and Sunny he turned around to give me "one more" hug.

and once I got to work i got this text from G:

Love you my beautiful.

...and just like that i realized that my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day didn't end up all that bad after all...

...and really, i had been getting "Love you, my beautiful" messages all day long and not even paid attention to them:

the sun shining through my office window. little hugs and smiles from students. a student hand written "thank you." a wagging tail to greet me. the tiny flower bud by my doorstep. a daycare provider and neighbor/babysitter who LOVE my kids, and whom my kids LOVE. a job that even on the hard days, i love and feel like i am "supposed" to be doing...and that it only requires me to be away from my littles four-days a week for 6 hours at at time.

it is not easy being a working mom. in fact on days like today, it is one of the hardest things ever.

but i am thankful for a Father
 who breathes hope and a joy-filled strength into my tired spirit;

Who hears me when i call,

and whispers "Love you, my beautiful,"

through the hard days.

all the things i'm doing wrong. or not.: a natural approach to parenting.

yeah, so having two kids in diapers sucks really bad.

and not just because it's expensive. i'm just freakin' sick and tired of changing diapers, thats all. and they take up a lot of garbage space, which means i have to take the garbages out way more, which also is a drag, because taking the garbage out requires me to put a shirt on (who said anything about shoes?).

and we're at that really weird transition-y time with Sunny's sleeping situation. transition-y meaning she sleeps best with us and i know i SHOULD transition her to her pack-n-play (which is right by our bed) but i don't want to sacrifice the precious sleep that i may have to to make that switch....

oh yeah, and Kai still sleeps in his crib.

it's not like he's 5. he's 2.5. half of 5. most of my friends have had their kiddos his age in toddler beds for like, days now. and i'd like to put Sunny in a crib eventually and i sure as heck don't want 2 cribs in my house--that makes me feel like Mrs. Duggar or something. but gosh, Kai loves his crib. and he doesn't jump out. he just sleeps in it. for days.

and Sunny hates people food. i don't know how hard i'm supposed to try forcing it down her throat but this girl rarely cries and when i force, she cries. and i hate that. it just doesn't feel right. i've tried veggies, fruit, cold, hot, warm, luke-warm, the "sneak-in" approach, mixed w/cereal, mixed w/milk...etc. and well, she likes her milk "straight up" and right from the source. that is all.

oh, and speaking of forcing, you can't force potty training. i guess we kind of try, but i haven't done anything crazy like going a whole day with him naked or in big boy undies. is that neccesary? i have no darn clue. G felt bad the other day because his friend who has a kid Kai's age was bragging telling him about all of thier milestone accomplishments (kid sleeps in own bed--NOT a crib, kid goes potty (standing up) AND poops in the toilet. no more diapers. kid reads chapter books, etc. (just kidding on that one). so what did my husband do? he decides to spend the evening with a diaper-less Kai. long story short: i go to the gym and get this text from G: your son (he's always MY son when he does something wrong by the way) just sharted all over himself and the rug. Yeah, needless to we'll probably need awhile to recover from that approach.

so there.

there is all of the stuff we are doing "wrong." or not by the book. whatever ya want to call it.

and as good as i've gotten at changing diapers one handed and in the dark and with a 2-year old dancing around you know what?

 i'm ok.

i'm ok with the fact that he may be the last kid on the block to be potty trained. he'll get it. it'll happen when he's ready. i truly believe that. i'm not going to do "nothing" but i'm not going to "force"  and make myself miserable over trying and miss out on all of the cute things my sweet boy does every day IN HIS DIAPER...

and i'm ok with Sunny Boo in bed with us. she's warm. and snuggly. and we all sleep soundly. and there will come a day when she will no longer want to snuggle in bed with mommy and i will miss these sweet, precious nights. and you know what? NO i don't want to have to sit up and get out of bed to feed her at night. i really do need that extra 30 seconds to two minutes. really.

and Sunny will learn to eat real food. she doesn't really have a choice. eating is in her blood--and i'm talking about the "Whitney style food-in-the-corners-of-your-mouth and on your shirt" kind of eating. it might come later, but it will come.

and Kai, well, i suppose he'll let his sister have his crib when she is ready. he sleeps through the night and most nights, 10+ uninterrupted hours. who really cares where he sleeps?!

so yeah, i get it. i'm not "super-mom." i'm not ahead of the game. i'm not an expert.

but i'm happy. my kids are happy.

my family is healthy, growing,

and very, very happy.

and we're doing just how we should. by our own book.

so i'll keep changing diapers, cleaning up pee off of the furniture, tucking Kai into his precious crib and sleeping with my Sunny Boo.

i'll keep taking things one day at a time, careful not to move too quickly on to that next milestone, but savor what today brings.

because as i sit, slouchy and tired, surrounded by a sea of diapers and messes from failed attempts at feeding solids and potty training i laugh. a lot.

and love even more.