A Mom's Search for Meaning

Just to be honest, there are days that all I feel that I ever do is pick up toys and wipe bums. And make food. And clean up the crumbs and sticky left behind. With a lot of play and reading and more mess making in between and if I'm lucky 2 out of 3 might nap at the same time and I can squeeze in a quick workout or reading/zone out session in peace on the couch.

This full-time Mommy biz is hard, you guys.

There are days that I pine for a nice quiet counseling office to retreat to at a school where I don't have to wipe bums and make food and snacks and beverages for needy children ALL DAY LONG.

I traded my workin' Mama status for the SAHM status last January. It's been EIGHT months.
Eight hard, growth-filled, beautiful months. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing in this world I love more than being a wife to my husband and a mommy to my babies. And I have a LOT of fun doing it. We have had the best eight months making memories, not having to be up and out of the house by 6:45am, and getting to explore our beautiful new city--AND have Daddy around a lot more.

But it has still taken some adjustment on my part, and some days my soul gets restless.

This last leg of summer has found me dreamily perusing local school counseling job listings. And, well, applying for some. But something funny happens when I get a call about scheduling an interview. I back out. I calmly and professionally give my regrets but in my mind body and soul I am running for the hills with everything that I have, leaving me in a face-in-palm cold sweat wondering

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

It's taken some soul reflecting to sort it all out. I'm not all the way there yet, but I want to share with you, dear reader, the craziness that I am sorting through because I think it is something many Mommies (the honest ones, anyway) face on the daily. And I want you to know that you are NOT ALONE in the mess that is babies and toddlers and preschoolers and diapers and dishes and laundry.

You see, at the core of my issue, when I get real about it, is not my desire for a break or a vacation or even a dang nap (although THAT would be incredible). It is a desire to have more of myself for everything else. There are days that my children feel like all-consuming super bugs that leave me with little time/energy/availability to put time into anyone or anything else. Which in essence, is where the real struggle stems.

This summer has been a season of spiritual growth and nourishment and refreshment for me. I have read loads of amazing books and have journaled and studied the Bible like never before. And as I am being fed and encouraged and challenged, I often felt myself feel chained to my messy kitchen with kids crawling and clinging to my legs. I have these desires to DO--to help and be used by God to uplift and speak life and to GO and love and be Jesus to those who so desperately need him. Things about my career in serving students as a counselor that I very much miss.

So, just the other day, I started complaining about it to God during my prayer time. In frustration, I asked Him why I felt so unsettled, unfulfilled--like I was just living diaper duty and short-order cook and maid and entertainer extraordinaire on repeat. I told him, "God, you know my desires. You gave me these gifts to use for you--TO POUR INTO OTHERS." And then He got me good. Like a punch in the gut.

They are my "others."

This IS a season for me to serve and love and pour God's goodness into others, and those "others" are the sweet messy faces that are sitting across from me as I furiously scribble angry prayers into my journal about purpose and calling and gifts and service. 

The work that this season calls for is not glamourous. It is not highly recognized, publicized, revered or even appreciated. It is not measurable and cannot be checked off of a "to-do" list.

This work is messy. It is exhausting and mundane and tedious.

But like the very best of work that God calls us to, it is selfless.

It is about finding joy and experiencing God at my kitchen sink, and in another sleepless night and bent over the bathtub realizing I should probably just get in with them since I can't remember the last time it was "my turn" for a shower.

God can and is and WILL use me. I don't need a title or an office or a salary to give me worth.
My identity is not wrapped up in a job title.

I am right where I am supposed to me.  

And just yesterday, that affirmation was echoed in the tears that snuck down my cheeks behind my sunglasses in the traffic of a busy Spokane intersection where my sweet son randomly piped up with THIS out of the blue:

"Mommy, I really like that Daddy is the only one who has to go to work now. 
I love you to be home with us all of the days now."

You guys, it was as if he was inside of my mind. He has no idea about any of my pending interviews or applications, nor has he overheard any talk of them. He has also never really acknowledged or thanked me over the course of this last year (and I never would expect him to!) for putting my career on hold to be home with him and his sisters.

And in those few honest, heart-felt words from my five-year-old, I heard Jesus tell me:

You are enough. Right now, today, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You don't have to do something BIG, you don't have to reach the masses, you don't have to put your children on hold in order to pour into others to be loved by me. I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW, and I see your heart for my people in the way you nurture and care for the children I have entrusted to your care. I am there with you as you dry dishes late into the night after finally getting your last baby to sleep. I am there with you in the laundry piles and the sticky floors and in the books and toys strewn across the floor. I am there in the laughter and even closer in the tears. 

And so, the conclusion I have reached is this:

This work that I am immersed in through this season that seems to suffocate me isn't smothering me at all.  It is setting me free. 

***

You aren't alone Mama.

Working Mom, Single Mom SAHM, Super Mom, Sad Mom, "think-you-are bad" Mom:

You are enough. 

You were made for this sacred work--and not just to survive it, but to THRIVE in it!

We are being used by a great and almighty God, who is strengthening us and equipping us with each and every day we show up for Him. Keep showing up. Keep whispering prayers as you rock your babies or pick up the same toys for the eighty-seventh time in a single afternoon.

He is faithful. His plans for us are intricately designed and He has the most beautiful stories to write with the the lives of those who are willing to hand over the pen and let HIM author words of life and purpose and extravagant love into what might otherwise feel, well, like diapers and dishes.

Let's surrender and let HIM strengthen our hands for His work (Nehemiah 6:9).