perpetual messes and forever hope...

It's peaceful now. 

Kai's down for his afternoon nap, the television is off, the windows are open and the only sounds are the breeze whistling through the screen and the occasional hum of 10th Avenue traffic.

I always often take time to put my house back together once Kai gives in to sleep. It's amazing how a seven-month old can create such disarray when he doesn't even walk (or really crawl for that matter). It's his dang Elmo walker. It gets him pretty much anywhere he wants to go...I guess it's good practice for us for when he starts toddling around on his own.

Even now, after my quick "clean-up" efforts there are signs of Kai everywhere.

A yellow spatula under the chair, the blanket pulled off the back of the rocker, a sprinkle of potting soil to the left of one of the plants, G's keys on the rug, little finger smudges on the sliding door...a little sock here, a damp bib over there (maybe my cleaning efforts need some re-evaluating?!).

He's all over the place. 

And just when I put things back together, and restore some kind of order...

I turn my back and it's crooked, dirty, wet, smeared, spilled, knocked over, chewed on.....

He's left his mark on just about everything in this house. Including me (squash AND formula on my black workout pants as we speak).

source

Just as I see traces of Kai on my floors, my furniture, my clothes and my walls,

so I see traces of God....

in the tiny green buds of springtime,

in the sunrise, 

in tight hugs from children, 

in smiles from strangers,

in thoughtful texts from old friends, 

in a sleepy kiss from G, 

in the selflessness of a good teacher,

in the cheerful bird chorus from backyard trees, 

in confusion 

and frustration 

and tears 

and stress...

He's there.

Even when I choose not to see Him..

Whispering, waiting

ever-present, ever-forgiving, all-knowing...

offering me strength to tackle another day of life's messes with {joy}.

I can never escape from Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence! If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I go down to the grave, You are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your strength will support me.  

Psalms 139:7-10

"Mommy Just Wants to Sleep" (Dr. Seuss style)

so sleepy, so tired, i think i might die!

all of this because of a young boy named Kai...

he eats! he drinks! he poops! he pees!

he scoots on the floor and pulls up on his knees!

he loves his books, dogs and plants and plays with his toys

and finds dirt and bugs delightful, as do most young boys...

but there is one thing that my Kai just won't do

and that's sleep through the night, oh poor me, boo hoo!

he plays all day long and takes such good naps

collapsing worn out from his play, perhaps

once evening comes round, he's all a fuss

and this is the part when i just want to cuss(!)

at supper he shovels his food like a race

a collage of his plate all over his face

after dinner it's playtime, and then {plop!} in the bath

warm water, toys, bubbles...you do the math.

Kai doesn't want out, oh no, no, no, he flails

like a ship in a storm with rip in it's sails

he wants to stay in that bath, the water gone cold

and his fingers and toes wrinkled like he is old

but up out of the bath i heave my wriggling boy

now it's lotion, diaper, jammies...he's peeing! oh joy...

now smelling all clean of baby-like scent

we snuggle up for a book, or a "snack" is what i meant

for that boy, he loves books as i read like a clown

but if not in his mouth he will only frown

next comes prayers then a bottle, snuggled up on moms bed

these moments i cherish with my peacefully sleeping red-head

the little monster, he sleeps! to his crib i softly creep

and tuck little boy in, so precious, asleep

then i rush around, rush around, rush around house

 tidying, cleaning, washing...quiet as a mouse

and once i'm in bed, all tucked in with care

just drifting off into slumber, his sobs fill the air

milk, mommy! milk, mommy! milk, mommy! say his cries

as i use my superpowers to prop open my eyes

this happens, i tell you once, twice, sometimes more

i ought to just sleep in a ball on on his floor...

then at 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock no later, he'll rise

bright-eyed scolding and singing...to mommy's demise. 

but how can i, how can i, how can i not

go scoop up my sweet baby, he's the best thing I've got.

faith like a child: walks with kai & honey

i have always enjoyed getting outside and exercising. ESPECIALLY when it's favorable outside (which to me, is sunshine and a temperature above 50!).

there have been several days over the last few years when work was stressful and hard, and i would watch the clock, anxious to drive home, climb into comfy sweats, hook Honey to her leash and head outside not just to exercise, but to {breathe}.

i think back to last year about this time, when Kai was growing in my tummy. i was beginning to get uncomfortable and walking was my saving grace. i felt SO much better getting up and around and taking in fresh spring air. it woke me up and gave me lots of time to pray and talk to my baby boy (and Honey, of course).

now i walk (instead of waddle, ha!) the same routes but with baby on my back, instead of front. i often wonder if i was doing the same route one year ago today, wondering what my baby would be like...

*******************************

i have always used Honey as accountability to get outside and exercise. she is a high energy dog, and her breed tends to put on the pounds if they don't get proper exercise. we used to tear up 6-7 mile runs 4 mornings a week.

then i got pregnant and we {both} got fat.

i can't imagine what we'd look like if we didn't walk like we did throughout my pregnancy...

but now, i have not only Honey as motivation to get outdoors and exercise, i have Kai.

i LOVE to explore with Kai. i show him leaves, tress, birds and LOVE that i live in a neighborhood that boasts nearby pastures full of llamas, ostrich, chickens, horses, goats and cows.

i often wonder what goes through his mind as we head out of the house that has, for seven months, been his whole world.

is he scared? confused? excited?

as we march up sunny sidewalks, over grassy fields, across rocky trails and along running streams he smiles, babbles, kicks and relaxes.

he feels safe, there on my back, ever trusting that i will not lead him into harms way.

our house is out of sight. the smells are not familiar and it can be a bit bumpy....

but Kai knows he is safe and sound on Mommy's back, or in the familiar confines of the jogger. he trusts that while i may lead him down unfamiliar roads and introduce him to new sights and sounds that i will always lead him home.

this is how Jesus has called us to be. 

ever-trusting. 

content in the unknown. 

resting in the sometimes unfamiliar, sometimes uncomfortable, 

with faith like a child.

(Matthew 18:2-4)

so look up. take courage. home is closer than you think.

4 tips for a HAPPIER you:

instead of posting a sugary-sweet hot breakfast recipe to indulge in on this Saturday, i will instead post a few "happiness" tips from the fabulous book i am currently reading.

surely these will do your saturday just as good (or better) than a hot, sweet breakfast...

i love reading books and learning about "people," and love the study of people and behavior in general so i am always drawn to books about the psychology of human thought and meaning...

The book:

Thrive: Finding Happiness The Blue Zones Way

by Dan Buettner 

(A "Blue Zone" is a geographical area that represents longevity)

 *italics indicate excerpt from book
Happiness tip #1: EXERCISE

People living in thriving countries tent to participate in a physical activity 1 to 2 times each week, according to the Gallup World Poll. Those who participate in even small amounts of physical activity report smiling more, or being treated with respect on a regular basis.


I can definitely attest to this. It's on your very worst days, yes, the days when you want to come home, put your jammies on and watch chick flicks and eat ice cream straight from the carton that you NEED TO EXERCISE the most! It's amazing how just getting out and working your muscles and sweating somehow shifts everything back into perspective, and makes you go from feeling sorry for yourself and down-in-the-dumps to confident and motivated. The hardest part is the act of getting off your butt and changing into your workout clothes, but if you can just get over that hurdle and get yourself outside or in the gym it's amazing the good it will do for your body and mind!

Happiness tip #2: FAITH

Religion and faith are often linked to happier lives. However, according to Ed Diener, author of the book Happiness, it's a religion's broader lessons that lead to happiness--acting selflessly and morally, having a sense of purpose, finding meaning in daily activities, and expanding positive emotions on a continual basis.

for me, it's plain and simple. without my faith, my life is empty. I've spent a few chapters of my life distant from God, and it's undoubtedly during those years that my life was, for lack of a better word, a wreck. i lacked purpose and meaning and was a greedy, self-serving, material, pleasure-seeking, very very EMPTY girl. my relationship with God is what puts power behind my stride. it's what gives me strength when I'm weak, hope when I'm hopeless and joy in seemingly dark days. there are so many things that come and go in life, and things change every single day...but the one thing that is forever constant, steady and reliable is Jesus. 

Happiness tip #3: SUN


Being happy can be as simple as stepping outside on a sunny day. The sun provides us with vitamin D, also known as the "happiness vitamin," which naturally increases the levels of the feel-good chemical serotonin in the brain. Doctors often prescribe sunlight to their patients who suffer from seasonal depression during the winter months.


oh, how i love the sun. i could honest-to-God live in a place void of seasons where the sun shines bright each and every day...ahhhhhhh, the thought of it. i remember when i first moved to Seattle from Eastern Oregon my body went through major sun-deprivation. it was going on almost three straight months of rain and i couldn't figure out why i was sleeping ALL the time, and always felt lethargic and moody. Dr. orders: SUN. He said even when it was overcast, i should try to get outside for at least 30 minutes because i was still able to soak up some of that good Vitamin D. so i did, and i guess it helped because it never got any worse! something as simple as just getting outside to breathe fresh air and feel the sun on your skin and breeze on your face works wonders for one's mood and energy levels. it's easy to get caught up in the mix of our busy lives and forget the importance of taking time to step outside and just breathe and enjoy God's great creation....

Happiness tip #4: WINE

Drinking even just one glass of wine leads to increases in the happiness-inducing chemical dopamine in our brain. Enjoying that glass of wine with friends will also add to an enhanced feeling of cheer.

no, I'm not suggesting we should all become "winos" to achieve ideal happiness. i think the essence of this message is to remember to take time for YOU. sometimes, treating ourselves to that glass of wine or espresso enables us to slow down and {savor}life--sometimes alone, sometimes in the company of friends.

source

so there you have it.

agree with the 4 tips or not, i'm confident there is something here that we can all work on in hopes of increasing happiness.

so on that note,  

{Happy} Saturday!

friday night LIKES!

as i reflect upon this week's "likes" on this friday night here's what comes to mind...

sunshine. 

leaving a job interview wearing confidence and a smile. 

open windows and fresh air. 

foregoing dishes and laundry during baby boy's naptime to read a good book. 

flower buds beginning to form. 

light sneaking in between the bedroom curtains earlier and earlier each day. 

sweating through 2 sports bras, a tank top and my sweatshirt at the gym. 

apple-cinnamon tea with honey-wheat pretzels. 

messy-faced smiles. 

a soft furry friend laying on my cold feet in the mornings. 

tuning into K-Love at just the right time and hearing something that speaks life to my soul. 

seeing how kai can light up sad faces of strangers at the store. 

tortas from Rudy's (omg). 

surprise gifts from generous parents. 

G allowing me to tuck my ice-cold feet beneath his warm legs when i crawl into bed (rare). 

bubble baths with a babbling baby. 

long walks.

public libraries.

cookies & cream pudding. 

spin class (especially after indulging in cookies & cream pudding!). 

stumbling across an affirming Bible verse. 

chai latte creamer from International Delights (YUM!)

two tips: back-up your laptop files & trust in God's timing.

welp, here i am!

i thought i'd have to take a much longer blogging vacation due to the kai-induced demolition of my laptop....BUT, thankfully, i have been blessed with a loaner. and it's not a netbook, so the screen and keyboard feel HUUUUUUUGE!! it's kind of nice for a change.

just an fyi to all of you (or any of you, i should say) BACK UP YOUR FILES. it's always one of those things you say you "should do," but never gets done until you actually lose valuable data due to some unfortunate circumstance (such as your 6 month old son chucking it onto your wood floor). i spent an hour on the phone last night with a very nice Dell support service consultant from India (it was 2 in the afternoon and 103 degrees out--yes i'm one of "those" people who ALWAYS ask those questions...) who jovially assisted me in extracting my hard drive so i could retrieve important data such as hmmmmm ALL OF KAI'S BABY PICTURES....among other documents and videos...AND my whole itunes library. (cuss word sigh).

lets just say i learned more about how a computer works in an hour last night than i've learned in handfuls of computer courses i've taken. in a sick way, it was kind of fun.

ok, enough of the laptop sob story. on to the good stuff.

I GOT A JOB!

(well, besides teaching yoga twice a week)

today i was offered a position as a test coordinator of sorts for Blue Mountain Community College (Hermiston extension). it's part time, two minutes from my house and the pay is extremely superior to any other part-time position i have applied for. when i say part-time, it's VERY part-time. like 10 hours a week, maximum. this is a good thing. i'm going to go through Kai withdrawls, so baby steps.

i have another potential part-time position pending as well. it's as program coordinator for the Hermiston School District's elementary (K-5) afterschool program. the hours for that postion are 2ish pm-6ish pm...still kind of up in the air about that one, but it WOULD allow me to work with the littles, who i have missed TERRIBLY since my school counseling days...i'll wrap up the application process tomorrow and then be praying about what to do after that.

i also submitted my application today to begin doing some pro-bono counseling/volunteering for Hermiston Pregnancy Care Services, which i am excited about.

i'd say today was a pretty productive day on the whole job-search front (happy heart--thank you Jesus!)

Now we just need a phone call for Gary...

a side note: i AM taking applicants for daycare providers willing to provide a few precious hours of care for my baby boy on the weekdays....if any of you out there have suggestions for Hermiston-based daycare (willing to take a 7 month old) please let me know...OR if YOU are currently a stay-at-home Mommy who wants to make some extra spending money, please inquire within ;)

********************************

so overall, i feel good about my slow crawl back to work. it's really worked out perfectly.

i always stress and fret over big decisions and all things "unknown" when really, it's a waste of anxiety, energy and time.

God's got it all mapped out.

it's just like a good GPS: i may not know where i'm going to turn, but i have to trust that the smokey-voiced woman in the computer will not lead me astray. SHE knows where i'm going, and i'm letting her lead me.

just as i trust "her" with getting me to my destination, i will trust God to provide, and trust in His timing...

after all, His perfect plan is much more reliable than smokey-voiced lady's direction cues

(thank GOODNESS for that!)

tired tuesday...

today could have been better.

i couldn't sleep last night. kai was up several times, and "up, up" at 6am. just as i fell FAST asleep while he was taking his morning nap his cries filled the monitor.

so. tired.

i trudged out to my messy kitchen and fed Kai the rest of his potato and broccoli for lunch and realized that i could not put off grocery shopping for one more day. i hosed him off (he was COVERED in broccoli bits and liquid turkey {gross!}) and got dressed. in my "fat pants" (that felt tight today, by the way) and bundled baby boy up for another dreaded trip to the local walmart.

i pull into the zoo of a parking lot and notice that it was PACKED...like, more so than usual. there were floods of people going in and out, every which way...i glanced down at my blackberry to check the date. sure enough, it's the first of the month. great. oh well. i'm already there, so i prepare for battle. it's what i get for putting it off, i guess.

i park in the far corner of the gargantuan parking lot,  rows away from all of the other cars, but close to a cart deposit. it's quiet where i park. away from the traffic and people. just me and kai and the blowing garbage. i pull kai out of his carseat and notice he's got dried food in his nostrils and around the creases of his nose. wonderful.

i see my reflection in the window of the closed car door and realize i haven't done my hair since, well, i can't remember. woops. oh well.

my cart was rickety and loud. kai kept touching the handle, and then putting his fingers in his mouth. he literally ate my shopping list. i bought a few random things, like dog toys and baby socks and i waited in line for longer than it took to get my groceries.

i came home, cold and feeling like i needed to soak in a hot soapy tub with kai to a {still} dirty kitchen.

i gave honey her toy and her over-the-top reaction reminded me of how long it's been since i've bought her a special toy or treat, and made me feel sad for how much {less} of me she gets now that kai has moved into the first chair and she has been demoted to second fiddle.

 i actually had tears.

i started our taxes. sorted through bills. made {strong} coffee (at 4:50pm).

i got a surprise visit from one of my besties {smile}.

kai was fussier than usual. like the "can't be put down" kind of fussy.

i fed him dinner, bathed him and then finally snuck away to the gym to do a little bit of cardio and teach my yoga class (where i think i lost myself in an overly long final relaxation pose).

that was my day.

tiring. ordinary. frustrating. overwhelming.

the kind of day that made me want to just pick up and move to costa rica (the book i'm reading says that costa rica inhabitants are among the happiest on earth).

the kind of day that made me long for summer.

a new season. light. warmth. change.

***********************************

as i conclude this day, i am thankful for tomorrow.

thankful for peace and quiet {for now} where i can shut my eyes and put this day to rest.

thankful that i'm not beyond the reach of God's grace.

thankful for hope.

thankful for a brand new day and for HIS joy which rises in me,

 right along with the morning sun.