faking smiles on bad days, bucket-filling & the secret to having a {happy} family

 

sometimes i forget about how my children really {watch} me.

 

 

that they can already imitate my expression.

 

my smiles and silly faces...

 

 

and that our expressions, our moods, our joy

 

--or lack there of--

 

are reflected back to us by our children.

.

 

so smile--too big and too much.

 

make silly faces with them. even after a long night or a long work day.

 

laugh, {really} laugh at their jokes.

 

turn the tv off. silence the buzzing iphone. "forget" where you put that to-do list...

 

and just be.

 

be with your babies, your teenagers, your spouse, your family, your friends

 

your loved ones.

 

...

 

i often encourage parents who are concerned with their child who seems depressed or discouraged about friends and/or school to try to over-love them.

 

encourage them often.

praise their strengths.

constantly draw upon the positive.

tell them you love them, and then again.

 tell them they are smart, special, funny, beautiful and unlike anyone else on the

ENTIRE planet. (!) 

tell them they were made for a purpose.

 

and i use the bucket-filling analogy:

 

fill your child's bucket SO full (with love and affirmation)

that when others make those inevitable withdrawls,

it is already so full,

it never runs dry.

 

...

 

but sometimes it's hard. when things feel hopeless and you feel apathetic and tired.

 

but guess what?

 

our babies, toddlers, teens, spouses, family pick up what we put out.

 

so for heaven's sake, smile at them.

 

even if it feels forced and fabricated...

 

watch them, hold them, breathe life into their spirits and

 

smile. 

 

it's like saying "I love you" but in laughter form....

 

 

 

and the return is {joy}.

Love, Sunny J

My Brother,

the one who is either stealing my toys or dumping them over my head...

the one who has an ever watchful eye on me, and picks me up when i topple over...

the one who feeds me what he doesn't want to eat, and makes silly faces at me so i burst into giggles at the most inappropriate times...

the one who holds my hand and teaches me how to explore...

the familiar face that i anticipate to pop up between the bars of the crib or stare back at me from the backseat of the car.

the one who comes [running] at my slightest whimper, and greets me with a sleepy smile each morning...

my brother, my friend.

something about siblings...

Can you tell who is who?

as redundant as it gets hearing:

"omg you like, look SOOOO much like your sister,"

 i have to admit...there is something kind of cool about sharing genes.

i mean, we can bitch about what "bad" traits we inherited and whine about how Abbey got the good hair or Mikey got the good voice, or one of our favorites, blame our parents about why we fall behind on our housework, have list-making addictions or like to micro-manage our husbands (ha!)....

but as much as i fought and was "annoyed" with my sisters growing up, there is something really beautiful about the story we all wrote, and ultimately, starred in throughout our childhood.

i wouldn't trade it for anything.

words cannot express the depth of emotion that wells up in my soul when i hear Kai tell his sister he loves her, or when i catch him kissing on her when he thinks no one is watching.

watching my babies bond and grow rekindles a special place in my heart that i have for my sisters and brother, and reminds me how dear family truly is.

i know they will fight, argue and tease each other--just like we all did. that's normal and all a part of growing up.

it's also a part of learning how to forgive, learning how to protect and learning how to love.

i know they won't always be sweet babies, maybe thats why each time i catch visuals of the adoration they have for one another i hold on to it so tight....

...she treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

 (Luke 2:19)

5 simple reminders for Mom's who can't do it all...

1. Play.

overwhelmed by a cluttered house? a long list of chores or uncrossed off "honey do's?" dishes in the sink? dirty floors and counters? half-finished projects? tired much?

and guess who wants your attention when there is all of the above to be done...

here is my "cure" for an overwhelmed spirit. it's one word.

play.

just take a deep breath, let it all go and go change into some comfy sweats and sprawl out on the floor and laugh with your little(s). it quickly puts everything into perspective and before you know it your list isn't looming over your conscience.

like one of my first-grade students said when i asked her class "how do you have self-control to get something done that is not that fun to do?"

turn some music on and dance while your doin' it!

sometimes it takes first-grade thinking to make things feel do-able. kids are awesome at that.

2. Indulge.

but sparingly, of couse.

do i think McDonalds is a healthy, well-balanced dinner? no. but do we eat it every so often? yes.

do i make cookies often? no. but when i do, do Kai and i eat the dough until we are too full for an actual "baked" cookie? yes.

do G and i sometimes choose to leave town over the weekend when we know we have a million projects at home to work on? um, yes.

life is precious, and if we strive to live in a constant state of "practicality" we might wake up and find that life has passed us by and leave us wishing that we would have just taken that big trip, made that memory, tasted that delicious dessert and gone ahead and bought that big, fun "toy," whatever it may be...

i'm not saying to go nuts. i'm all for disciplined living. just don't let yourself be so driven by perfection or bogged down by your goals that you forget to live and make precious memories with your family and children while you can!

3. Take a load off.

this one is hard for me. but when i take a few moments to just sit and relax it's amazing how good i feel. it's like a power nap without sleep. weird, huh? but it works. on those busy days, i have found when i just take a few minutes to snuggle my babies on the couch or go rock on the porch swing in the sunshine i feel so much better about conquering the rest of my day.

oh yeah, and i should mention that this mental "power nap" should really be technology-free. just break away and listen to the birds and look at the sky and breathe (that's my yoga-speak coming out)...

your kids will thank you. they will feel you relax and probably behave better too.

4. Get fresh air, every day.

even on the gross, nasty, windy days. we almost ALWAYS get outside. even if it's just for 15 minutes. bundle up, hop in the stroller or wagon or bike or backpack--whatever mode of transportation you prefer.

just get outside. if you make fresh air a priority, your brain will make happiness a priority. same goes for your kids. it's how the learn to explore be creative!

and once you get in the habit of getting outside every day, your kids will hold you accountable.

before we even pull into the driveway at home, Kai will say "park today, mama?" or "you gonna run outside and me and sunny in stroller?" or "play in backyard?"

so if i'm feeling lazy and like i just want to kick back in my recliner with a box of cookies and tub of frosting i am quickly put back into check by my toddler.

...we can always enjoy the cookies outside, anyway (remember #2?)

as Ron Burgandy would say "I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

5. Give yourself a time out.

i hate that i sometimes feel selfish or guilty when i take the time to go up to Kennewick to catch a Bikram yoga class. but i LOVE that i have a husband who pushes me out the door, and mommy friends who are going with me.

sometimes i just have to foce myself to GO.

it's hard getting out the door, especially when one or both of the kids is fussy or doesn't want you (or your boobs) to go.

but once i escape into the quiet kid-less atmosphere, i immediately enter "re-charge" mode and come back rejuvenated and ready to tackle the chaos once more.

these mommy "time-outs" come in lots of packages. yoga classes, runs, coffee dates with friends, dinner/move dates with  G, wine/hot tub with nana....and when i'm really hurting, sometimes they consist of just a long hot shower or a tv show or two back in the bedroom with the door shut.

when these mommy "time-outs," like the child "time-outs" are used correctly (not overused or underused), results will be positive for everyone involved!

...



i don't believe in super moms, never have.

i believe in caffeine, girlfriends, a daily dose of post-workout endorphins and prayer.

lots and lots of prayer.



the cure.

today, in the rush of whisking sunny boo out the door in that grotesquely awkward baby carrier to her already strapped-in-the-carseat waiting brother i slammed the locked door onto my long maxi skirt. i was in such a rush that i actually tried to "power" it free. you know, like run/pull it loose. yeah, that didn't work. and it is a new skirt, it still smells like TJMAXX so, come on...really?! my coffee, however did NOT spill a darn drop throughout the whole ordeal, which is a good thing because Lord knows, i can't affort to lose a drop of that these days.

but i laughed.

and as i plopped myself down in the car and shoved it into reverse i felt happy and content to be late, a little bit sweaty, but on my way and under another beautiful sunrise.

and then after a hard morning at work, one where hope seems dim and the world looks ugly, i decided to let myself just sit down with my students and not lecture or teach or nag....just laugh. were things perfect? no. were they still behind on their work? yes. but we came together just as we were, to smile and be silly and for a moment in time, simply exhale all of life's pressures and disappointments. and it felt good. productive, even.

a few hours later i found myself getting my blood drawn for our school sponsored Red Cross blood drive, where i asked the lady if i could sleep while the blood was getting pumped out of my veins. she said i couldn't because how would they know if i was dead....that was a bummer, but really, to lay down alone--albeit with a needle in my vein--felt kind of nice. she wouldn't stop talking my ear off so i took that as a sign that she really wasn't a fan of me falling asleep.

and as i tried to keep my eyes open, i laughed.

and thinking about it all, about life, about counseling, about teaching and about motherhood--

laughter gives life.

i have found that when i can laugh in spite of the bags beneath my eyes and my milk-stained shirts and sweaters and my larger-than-life piles of laundry and the five HUNDRED cars and trucks all over my floors and my lesson plans gone off-topic and overlapped meetings and half-finished sent emails...

my perspective shifts.

and the simple act of me responding with laughter, to something that i very well could be responding to with tears, or anger, gives me joy...

and a joyful heart is the best medicine of all (Proverbs 17:22)

for the bad days.

and today was one. oh my, was it one.

it got off to a rough start from the get go....

...i usually don't have to pump in the mornings (yes, i'm referring to breast milk) because i've gotten enough from my work "pump" session. but today, i needed to. and i only got 1 oz... i guess Sunny Boo ate all night or something. i know busting out the frozen supply is ok, but i like her to have fresh. and well, i wasted a precious 15 morning mintues for THAT?! bleh...

...then it was one of those 10 different outfits days. i need a wardrobe re-vamp like nobody's business. my closet went from size 2/4-----> 10s then back down, then back up, and now we are lost somewhere in a stretched out, ill-fitted transition and i would just really love to wear yoga pants every day, thats all...

...and my hair was wrong in everything i did. my sisters are so good with hair and i surely missed out on that gift. if you knew me in middle school, you would know that i literally wore a pony tail EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. let me just say, not much has changed. poor Sunny....

so i was sweaty mess, with an itchy outfit on and over-fussed with hair...

...and Kai didn't want to wake up, and Sunny woke up fussy (she has TWO teeth protruding her bottom gums) and my house was a disaster and i forgot to warm up my car and i couldn't find my coffee mug and yes, i could go on.....

i cursed being a working mom in the few thoughts i could think in between the obnoxious "kid songs" as i glanced back to see my sweet tired boy, still in his jammies snuggled up in his carseat who had just been ripped out of his warm crib and out of his sweet dreams...and heard my now babbling and giggling Sunny singing her happy songs as we got closer to her drop off...

and even though i leave them in a wonderful, loving, FUN place...my heart hurts to hand them off  and just go. every single day it hurts. some days, i can numb it better than others, like if i have an insanely busy day and can get myself planning/thinking about work....

..but the worst is when Kai runs to the window to wave at me and then just watches me drive away. i swear i can feel his eyes on me all the way down the street, and there hasn't been once that he has done this that i haven't fought back tears. good thing it's not a daily occurence, then i'd for sure have to stop wearing mascera....oh wait... ;)

and then i got to work and my focus was off and i was negative and cranky and i hate when i'm like that. it doesn't look good on me at all. luckily today i was buried in student files and counting credits so not too many people had to be subjected to my forced, fake "pleasantness."

today was such a monday-of-a-tuesday.

...

then i picked my kiddos up. and Kai smiled at me super big, like he always does, before he even opens his eyes from his nap. i aways wake him up the same way: "hi sweet boy, mommy's here," i whisper. and he just smiles, SO BIG, before he even opens his eyes. it melts my heart, every time.

and once we got home and unloaded we did a quick little "team" (hilarious looking, i'm sure!) workout and got some good play and snuggle time before i had to run off for my second job (tuesdays are long for me!)

...and after i kissed Kai goodbye and he headed to the park with Melina (my most awesomest babysitter!!) and Sunny he turned around to give me "one more" hug.

and once I got to work i got this text from G:

Love you my beautiful.

...and just like that i realized that my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day didn't end up all that bad after all...

...and really, i had been getting "Love you, my beautiful" messages all day long and not even paid attention to them:

the sun shining through my office window. little hugs and smiles from students. a student hand written "thank you." a wagging tail to greet me. the tiny flower bud by my doorstep. a daycare provider and neighbor/babysitter who LOVE my kids, and whom my kids LOVE. a job that even on the hard days, i love and feel like i am "supposed" to be doing...and that it only requires me to be away from my littles four-days a week for 6 hours at at time.

it is not easy being a working mom. in fact on days like today, it is one of the hardest things ever.

but i am thankful for a Father
 who breathes hope and a joy-filled strength into my tired spirit;

Who hears me when i call,

and whispers "Love you, my beautiful,"

through the hard days.

all the things i'm doing wrong. or not.: a natural approach to parenting.

yeah, so having two kids in diapers sucks really bad.

and not just because it's expensive. i'm just freakin' sick and tired of changing diapers, thats all. and they take up a lot of garbage space, which means i have to take the garbages out way more, which also is a drag, because taking the garbage out requires me to put a shirt on (who said anything about shoes?).

and we're at that really weird transition-y time with Sunny's sleeping situation. transition-y meaning she sleeps best with us and i know i SHOULD transition her to her pack-n-play (which is right by our bed) but i don't want to sacrifice the precious sleep that i may have to to make that switch....

oh yeah, and Kai still sleeps in his crib.

it's not like he's 5. he's 2.5. half of 5. most of my friends have had their kiddos his age in toddler beds for like, days now. and i'd like to put Sunny in a crib eventually and i sure as heck don't want 2 cribs in my house--that makes me feel like Mrs. Duggar or something. but gosh, Kai loves his crib. and he doesn't jump out. he just sleeps in it. for days.

and Sunny hates people food. i don't know how hard i'm supposed to try forcing it down her throat but this girl rarely cries and when i force, she cries. and i hate that. it just doesn't feel right. i've tried veggies, fruit, cold, hot, warm, luke-warm, the "sneak-in" approach, mixed w/cereal, mixed w/milk...etc. and well, she likes her milk "straight up" and right from the source. that is all.

oh, and speaking of forcing, you can't force potty training. i guess we kind of try, but i haven't done anything crazy like going a whole day with him naked or in big boy undies. is that neccesary? i have no darn clue. G felt bad the other day because his friend who has a kid Kai's age was bragging telling him about all of thier milestone accomplishments (kid sleeps in own bed--NOT a crib, kid goes potty (standing up) AND poops in the toilet. no more diapers. kid reads chapter books, etc. (just kidding on that one). so what did my husband do? he decides to spend the evening with a diaper-less Kai. long story short: i go to the gym and get this text from G: your son (he's always MY son when he does something wrong by the way) just sharted all over himself and the rug. Yeah, needless to we'll probably need awhile to recover from that approach.

so there.

there is all of the stuff we are doing "wrong." or not by the book. whatever ya want to call it.

and as good as i've gotten at changing diapers one handed and in the dark and with a 2-year old dancing around you know what?

 i'm ok.

i'm ok with the fact that he may be the last kid on the block to be potty trained. he'll get it. it'll happen when he's ready. i truly believe that. i'm not going to do "nothing" but i'm not going to "force"  and make myself miserable over trying and miss out on all of the cute things my sweet boy does every day IN HIS DIAPER...

and i'm ok with Sunny Boo in bed with us. she's warm. and snuggly. and we all sleep soundly. and there will come a day when she will no longer want to snuggle in bed with mommy and i will miss these sweet, precious nights. and you know what? NO i don't want to have to sit up and get out of bed to feed her at night. i really do need that extra 30 seconds to two minutes. really.

and Sunny will learn to eat real food. she doesn't really have a choice. eating is in her blood--and i'm talking about the "Whitney style food-in-the-corners-of-your-mouth and on your shirt" kind of eating. it might come later, but it will come.

and Kai, well, i suppose he'll let his sister have his crib when she is ready. he sleeps through the night and most nights, 10+ uninterrupted hours. who really cares where he sleeps?!

so yeah, i get it. i'm not "super-mom." i'm not ahead of the game. i'm not an expert.

but i'm happy. my kids are happy.

my family is healthy, growing,

and very, very happy.

and we're doing just how we should. by our own book.

so i'll keep changing diapers, cleaning up pee off of the furniture, tucking Kai into his precious crib and sleeping with my Sunny Boo.

i'll keep taking things one day at a time, careful not to move too quickly on to that next milestone, but savor what today brings.

because as i sit, slouchy and tired, surrounded by a sea of diapers and messes from failed attempts at feeding solids and potty training i laugh. a lot.

and love even more.

on work and simplifying. and love.

I am SO GUILTY of getting bogged down and consumed with paperwork.

 

you know, the knitty gritty, nuts-and-bolts of just about any job.

 

the daily grind, running "to-do" list, red-flag, meeting reminder email blur of a whirlwind.

 

...but today I was blessed to have a wonderful, refreshing reminder of why I do what I do.

 

i took a handful of high school students on a college visit.

 

it was last minute, probably poorly planned and we almost didn't get out the door...

 

but we did.

 

and we spent the better half of the day listening, learning, thinking, talking...

 

just being together.

 

...and in the midst of our laughter andcasual banter about life in general and big decisions like careers and college i was reminded that

 

yep, this is it.

 

this is the real stuff.

 

i wasn't lecturing them on course rigor, i wasn't getting after them about their attendance,

 

i wasn't trying to FIX them in any way, shape, or form.

 

i was simply sitting down and just "being" with my students. 

 

i'd actually stepped out of my office, despite that blinking red light on my phone and unopened emails and huge stack of files on my desk and gave them not advice or information....

 

just my presence, a genuine listening ear and time.

 

i needed this reminder. often, i get anxious about how i'm going to "fix" or "do" or "change" or "improve" a variety of things (test scores, attendance, etc.).

 

you see, i'm a "fixer." i have that "go-getter" kind of thinking that doesn't stop or shut off....

 

but that kind of thinking can get me off focus and before i know it i'm sinking in a pool of pessimistic quick sand.

 

well, today i got back to the basics and threw data and "________ improvement plan(s)" out the door. 

 

it happened unintentionally.

 

a "divine appointment," really.

 

because when i'm doing what i'm called to do, my spirit comes alive and it's almost like my heart is saying "YES! this is it!"

 

and today as i sat, smiled, listened, cared and encouraged...

 

my heart answered back.

 

Thank you Jesus that all it takes is silly teenage laughter, a lunchtime conversation with a seven-year-old or a pick-up basketball game with a 7th grader to re-fuel my fire and steady my focus.

 

“I used to want to fix people,

but now I just want to be with them.”

 ~Bob Goff, "Love Does"

What if, in the presence of others we got intentional about the wonderful blessing of an opportunity it is for us to just "be" with them?

What if we put away our phones, shut off the video games, stopped pushing selfish agendas and just listened, really listened; and loved?

I think I'll throw out those "lists" that line my work desk and kitchen counter

and start fresh, with LOVE.

 

 

 

prelude to a Sunday night slumber: a reminder to take things one day at a time...

G opted to stay "one more night" which meant his alarm would sound at 3 am

so he could make his long drive to work,

and i had a "to-do" list sitting on my desk that seemed to be overflowing into my brain,

not to mention a stack of papers that needed to be looked over...

that were on my kitchen table--

still in the same place i'd left them in thursday night.

i didn't have the kids' clothes set out.

i didn't have my lunches prepared.

dishes were in the sink

and my living room looked like a post-cyclone toys-r-us disaster zone.

...

but there we found ourselves,

together.

all four of us,

under the same moon,

under the same roof,

under the same olive green fluffy down comforter.

snuggling, laughing, talking like friends at a sleepover and eventually,

sleeping.

...

after the sounds of whispering and laughing faded into the steady sounds of sleep

 i lay awake,  

finding myself fighting off the slumber that was selfishly drawing me in.

sure, our alarms would go off way too early,

we had a calendar for monday that by sight, looked impossible and 

we'd had to carve out a path back to the bedroom through the cars, trucks, dirty clothes and large, noisy baby paraphernalia.

but i lay there, eyes open, heart full, smiling up at the darkness,

skin-to-skin with the two babies that had grown in my belly and

 hand-in-hand with my man...

.

and i felt all of that other stuff that had weighed heavy on my mind as i fell into bed

release into the heavens and just

fade away... 

leaving me thankful and content

with little sleeping breaths, warm skin and love.

 Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now,

and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.

 

God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6:34 (MSG)