32{love}: The End!

There is a quiet

wind voice inside of me.

It's the same voice

inside of you.

Delicate and persevering,

it led us towards each other.

Across desert sand,

traffic noise, solitary sky.

I found your little house

by the sea. And I

never wanted to leave.

The Persistence of Yellow, No 189, by Monique Duval

I LOVE YOU,

Not only for what you are,

But for what I am

When I am with you.

I LOVE YOU,

Not only for what

You have made of yourself,

But for what

You are making of me.

I LOVE YOU

For the part of me

That you bring out;

I LOVE YOU

For putting your hand

Into my...heart

And passing over

All the foolish, weak things

That you can't help

Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out

Into the light

All of the beautiful belongings

That no one else had looked

Quite far enough to find.

~Roy Croft

i've been calling G my Valentine for six years now.

only three of those actual Valentine's Days have we gotten to spend together (because of his work schedule)...

and today was one of them.

we didn't do anything fancy or elaborate, that's never been our style.

G got up with Kai and let me sleep in (a wonderful gift in itself), there was a card with a thoughtful hand-written message waiting for me on the coffee table when i woke up, we had steak for dinner and wine and chocolate for dessert.

pretty sure later on we will be swapping neck/foot rubs as well (YES!).

but to be honest, i'm not real crazy about the whole Valentine's day "hype."

(like heart-shaped foods and baked goods, rose petals and candles....)

but i do like LOVE chocolate, so one thing i always appreciate is the small box of assorted chocolates.

i remember growing up my Dad would give me and my sisters a heart shaped box of chocolate each Valentine's Day...even when we were old enough to start dating and were getting Valentine's and chocolate from a boy(s), my Dad's chocolates were always the best.

my married preference is dark chocolate with a nice big glass of red wine
(i try to celebrate Valentine's day at least one a week around here....)

Kai got a few Valentine's in the mail this year, which was so fun....and cute!

 I've enjoyed taking the last several weeks leading up to today to write and reflect about

{LOVE}.

It's taught me that even on the most ordinary and routine of days,

love is in the air...

breathe deeply.

31: {loving} ME (a beginning and an end)

ok.

still in a funk about my bod.

but i'm not going to sit here and wallow. that's just too dang depressing, even though a vent-blog every now and then is definitely neccessary.

i spent the weekend in portland for my sister-in-law's baby shower (she's getting induced tonight, and about to welcome in a Valentine's Day baby boy!) and couldn't help but stare at all of the skinny girls all around me who looked so good and comfortable in whatever they were wearing...and trying to remember how that felt, and pondering how i took that for granted...

i spent the weekend trying not to each {too} many carbs...and sugar...

and trying not to look in the mirror...

but greatly enjoyed the company of my in-laws, and loved getting to take Kai out to fun restaurants and places he's never been. i'm so thankful that he is such a good little traveler, he likes to go, go, go and is definitely social (hmmm wonder where he gets THAT?!)

but after all of my bitching and moaning about my current weight-loss plateau, i couldn't shake a moment that G, Kai and i shared on friday, in the midst of my pre-interview melt-down...

Gary had walked in on me...crying and border-line hysterical, drowning in a sea of rejected too-small clothing items. After telling me, "Babe, you are beautiful, and you literally HAD A BABY just a few months ago..." more than once, he felt compelled to bring Kai into it all in an attempt to get me out of my slump.

I was standing there, looking at myself in my {too small} dress slacks sideways in the mirror (isn't it funny how we think that looking into the mirror with our head-cocked to one side will alter or distort our perception????) and Gary barges in with a squirmy Kai in his arms.

G: "Babe, you are beautiful, you really are. Who cares about those clothes, you are getting skinnier every single day..."

W: {sniff} [glare] "it's been SIX MONTHS. i just feel so...disgusting."

G: (in his Daddy voice) "Kai, look at Mommy, don't you think she is beautiful? isn't she pretty??"

K: {looks at me} *BIG. HUGE. SMILE*

W: {sobs}

...and those weren't neccesarily SAD sobs...they were the kind of tears that come out when your heart swells with love, as in that moment, i SWEAR that Kai told me he thought i was THE most beautiful person in the whole entire world...

and i forgot about me,

and was overwhelmed with thankfulness for my beautiful smiling baby boy.

I have the unconditional love of my ever-encouraging, positive husband...

the support of faithful friends and family...

and the big-blue squinty-eyed gaze of a smiling six-month old.

I'm done whining now.

[applause]

But i am NOT done with this baby-weight battle.

After tomorrow (last "Lovers" post in lieu of Valentine's day!) I will begin my public declaration of all things "fit,"as I get serious about not just my weight, not just my pant-size, but my health and well-being. 

I'm gonna blog about work outs, yoga poses, healthy eating, supplements, postive motivations, i-pod playlists and so on and so on.

I will blog about seeking, embracing and {maintaining} a BALANCED, healthy life (Heaven help me).

Among other things, of course...(smile)

*and thank you all for listening to putting up with my pity party.

love{30}:

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you,

not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somethwere.

They're in each other all along.

~Rumi

29: concluding a bad day with {love}

Ok. So, I've done pretty dang good with my goal of writing about LOOOOOOVE for a straight month. I only have like 3 more days to go and tonight it's just. not. gonna. happen. (right away, that is).

i typically don't engage in BWD (blogging while drinking) but tonight that's just how it's going to be...

i had the day from hades.

wanna know why???

oh you don't? well, sorry, i'm gonna tell you anyway...

so i had an interview today. i'm in the market for some part-time social work/counseling/teaching...whatever. i'm teaching yoga a couple times a week now at the gym but have applied a few other places for some additional part time work. not that i WANT it...but G's particular trade is currently offering nothing but unemployment wages at the moment (super duper suckkkkky) so, i have taken it upon myself to ensure that our home does not go into foreclosure (ok so that's a stretch but still, the funds are just too tight for comfort).

back to the interview. i'm all showered up and picking out the perfect interview outfit. oh wait, i haven't worked since I was six-months pregnant and hmmmmmm NOTHING fits me (it doesn't help that i was at my absolute thinnest stage of life EVER like right before i got pregnant). i thought that maybe, just maybe i could squeeze into a pair of my larger "work pants." you know, the kind that still fit me when i was FIVE months pregnant....

FAIL. BIG, FAT(!) EPIC fail.

Gary walked in on me trying to jam myself into my once "way too big" dress pants, and the look on his face made me want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers and never come out. i got the stupid pants up, you betcha i did. but...there was no way in hell they were gonna be buttoned. so uncomfortable.

i screamed. i cursed. i cried.

Gary tried to console me and tell me i was beautiful (sweet, but not helpful)...

i called my Mom and she tried to console me by telling me (again) that "it takes most women a year to lose all the weight..." (not helpful)

then i did the unthinkable.

i dug my maternity pants out of the box from underneath the guest bed.

it was the walk of shame that i prayed i'd never have to embark upon.

but as i slid those grey maternity slacks on i knew that i had no other option (i dress for comfort, what can i say?!).

SO. DEPRESSING. (6 months post-delivery!!!!)

i've been working my HINEY off at the gym. AND eating good..not perfect, but pretty dang clean.

i know i've lost weight (i gained freakin' 70 pounds so i BETTER have lost some weight), but not in the ideal amount and time-frame (sigh).

so there i was, in my maternity pants, desperate to find a DRESSY shirt that wasn't too tight on my yet-to-be-ideally-flat tummy....and having a bad hair day on top of it.

all for an interview for a job i didn't want (this particular interview was for a full-time public-service position).

great day, this friday.

i got through the interview (my hair was up in a pony tail and i swear my eyes were swollen from crying by the time i got there..)

i was already up in Kennewick, so i stopped at the Yoga studio and caught a 90-minute Bikram class in hopes to clear my mind and ease some stress.

it relaxed me, and felt fabulous, but i still had a fitfull mind on my drive home...

i wanted Kai to make it better with his smiles and snuggles, but he was fussy when i went to get him (he had a couple of shots today...)

i talked to my Mom and vented to my sis-in-law (thank you Sarah...)

but it wasn't until Gary swooped me up in his arms that i could {finally} breathe...

he didn't have to say a thing.

he just held me and there we stayed, lingering in the safety of each other

holding on to the hope of silent prayers.

And now i'll finish my wine, head to bed thankful for a patient, forgiving and {loving} husband (and family!)...

and put this day full of self-pity and worry behind me...

and hang on to the one thing that has been consistant in my life no. matter. what:

the Love, Grace, and Hope found in the redeeming presence of my forever forgiving Father...who in His time, makes all things beautiful

(Ecclesiates 3:11).

Tomorrow is gonna be better.

{love}28: a penny worth more than a diamond...

In "Chicken Soup for the Romantic Soul" there is a story about a "Mrs. B. Bartlett,"  who reminisces about the long walks along the railroad tracks that she and her husband used to take when they were young and struggling to make ends meet. In those days they couldn't afford a diamond ring--they could barely afford food and clothing for their children.

One day, while holding hands on their walk, they heard a locomotive approaching from a distance. Her husband dashed up to the railroad tracks and placed a penny on them. That night, he drilled a little hole in the shiny flattened penny and attached it to a charm bracelet, saying, "This is so you'll always remember our walks together."

Her husband died some years ago, but Mrs. Bartlett wrote that she still has that copper penny, and it means more to her than gold or diamonds. "All I have to do is hold my penny in my arthritic hands and I have him and that day all over again."

Sometimes a penny means more than a diamond.

Often times the most sentimental gifts we treasure are gifts that cost absolutely nothing.

They are love notes, pictures, cards, trinkets, letters...

just explore your Grandmother's attic, or the top of your Mother or Father's dresser...

where you may very well find old notes, drawings, cards and crafts from all throughout your childhood.

I have an old cigar box full of ticket stubs, leaves, dried flowers (NOT the store-bought kind), notes, polaroid pictures,seashells, rocks, random coasters and scribled-on bar napkins...

the random jumbled contents of that box mean more to me than my diamond wedding ring, my new laptop, my digital camera and my ipod (all gifts that i've received from G in the past...)

the contents of that old wooden cigar box, would be to most, clutter or junk.

but as I hold each treasured item in my hand, I close my eyes and go back to that place. I feel that feeling, I smile that smile....

and re-live the love I felt in that special moment.

so the next time you are tempted to choose an expensive store bought gift over a humble hand-made item or sentimental offering, think again...

odds are, it'll mean more than you anticipate.

source

day27: tuning into {love}

Sitting here in my me and Kai's brown comfy glider/blogging chair, I contemplate all of the instances that I felt love today.

Focusing in on all the ways we experience love is a great exercise, you should try it!

It's unfortunate how at the end of the day, we often overlook the smallest of blessings...

I love the library! I never thought coming home with a stack of good books could trump walking through the door with shopping bags full of new clothes, but it does....(by the way, I'm still going strong on my committment to not buy clothes for a year...I started this in August, and I'm staying strong!)

I love exploring with Kai. He is so curious about everything, it is so fun to take him places and especially play outside. I can't wait for warmer weather! I got out his new (awesome) backpack and he loved it...I loved hearing him coo and babble throughout the whole walk, right there snug on my shoulders.

I'm two chapters away from finishing Kristen Hannah's The Magic Hour. Such a wonderful story. It especially touches my heart because it is centered upon the diligent work of a child psychologist. I have fallen in love with her subject, a neglected, hurting little girl...you'll have to read it to find out why!

I feel love every time Kai's face lights up with a smile. My baby boy doesn't just smile with his mouth, he smiles with his whole entire face. It never gets old and melts my heart every single time. We had to make a spur-of-the-moment trip to Safeway this afternoon, and he literally smiled at each and every person that he passed. Love his happy little spirit.

I feel loved by my loyal honey bear. She totally melts right into you when you snuggle her. I know I haven't paid her half the attention I did pre-Kai, but she loves me the same. We can all learn a lesson in unconditional love and loyalty from dogs.

I feel loved by my husband, who had a long day helping a buddy pour concrete and gladly took Kai for the night so I could drive up to Tri-Cities for a yoga class.

It's crazy how much I miss my baby boy when I'm only gone from him for a few hours....I missed not feeding him dinner, not seeing him splash around like crazy in the tub, not massaging his little legs with lavender baby lotion, not snuggling up with him in our bed to feed him his nighttime bottle, not reading our bedtime stories, and not saying our prayers and singing our bedtime song....He is in such good hands with his Daddy, but I love being his Mommy so much, I don't like missing one day!!!

Tonight I loved my body. I pushed my body, stretched myself, focused in  and really cleared my mind. Bikram yoga has a magic way of making you feel significantly changed when your finished. I literally felt as if I walked out of the studio on a cloud, and floated all the way home. Bikram is deeply spiritual for me, as I surrender my body and mind and allow my focus to turn solely upward. Quieting my mind and simply listening, allowing myself to open up and recieve God's will, encouragement, joy and love.

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

~Mitch Albom

day 26: {love} girlfriends.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.

~ Elisabeth Foley

{old friends}

we've been through boyfriends, broken hearts, bottles of wine and could write chapters of memories filled with endless laughter, road-trips, {crazy} campus life adventures, school dances, college, awkward moments, margarita nights...

we've seen each other through elementary school, dreaded middle school, the drama of high school, held on through the wild ride of college and relationships, weddings and babies...

somehow, along the way

we grew up.

 there is something magical about time spent with old friends.

even in the {rare} moments of silence, past laughter rings in my ears and the air is heavy with a comfortable, easy love that is only felt by longtime friends.

the minutes fly by as we pour over treasured pages of the intricately made album of {us}.

a bottle of wine. chocolate. 3.5 hours of conversation.

we are different but the same.

reflections of life within each other.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.

~ Anäis Nin