29: concluding a bad day with {love}

Ok. So, I've done pretty dang good with my goal of writing about LOOOOOOVE for a straight month. I only have like 3 more days to go and tonight it's just. not. gonna. happen. (right away, that is).

i typically don't engage in BWD (blogging while drinking) but tonight that's just how it's going to be...

i had the day from hades.

wanna know why???

oh you don't? well, sorry, i'm gonna tell you anyway...

so i had an interview today. i'm in the market for some part-time social work/counseling/teaching...whatever. i'm teaching yoga a couple times a week now at the gym but have applied a few other places for some additional part time work. not that i WANT it...but G's particular trade is currently offering nothing but unemployment wages at the moment (super duper suckkkkky) so, i have taken it upon myself to ensure that our home does not go into foreclosure (ok so that's a stretch but still, the funds are just too tight for comfort).

back to the interview. i'm all showered up and picking out the perfect interview outfit. oh wait, i haven't worked since I was six-months pregnant and hmmmmmm NOTHING fits me (it doesn't help that i was at my absolute thinnest stage of life EVER like right before i got pregnant). i thought that maybe, just maybe i could squeeze into a pair of my larger "work pants." you know, the kind that still fit me when i was FIVE months pregnant....

FAIL. BIG, FAT(!) EPIC fail.

Gary walked in on me trying to jam myself into my once "way too big" dress pants, and the look on his face made me want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers and never come out. i got the stupid pants up, you betcha i did. but...there was no way in hell they were gonna be buttoned. so uncomfortable.

i screamed. i cursed. i cried.

Gary tried to console me and tell me i was beautiful (sweet, but not helpful)...

i called my Mom and she tried to console me by telling me (again) that "it takes most women a year to lose all the weight..." (not helpful)

then i did the unthinkable.

i dug my maternity pants out of the box from underneath the guest bed.

it was the walk of shame that i prayed i'd never have to embark upon.

but as i slid those grey maternity slacks on i knew that i had no other option (i dress for comfort, what can i say?!).

SO. DEPRESSING. (6 months post-delivery!!!!)

i've been working my HINEY off at the gym. AND eating good..not perfect, but pretty dang clean.

i know i've lost weight (i gained freakin' 70 pounds so i BETTER have lost some weight), but not in the ideal amount and time-frame (sigh).

so there i was, in my maternity pants, desperate to find a DRESSY shirt that wasn't too tight on my yet-to-be-ideally-flat tummy....and having a bad hair day on top of it.

all for an interview for a job i didn't want (this particular interview was for a full-time public-service position).

great day, this friday.

i got through the interview (my hair was up in a pony tail and i swear my eyes were swollen from crying by the time i got there..)

i was already up in Kennewick, so i stopped at the Yoga studio and caught a 90-minute Bikram class in hopes to clear my mind and ease some stress.

it relaxed me, and felt fabulous, but i still had a fitfull mind on my drive home...

i wanted Kai to make it better with his smiles and snuggles, but he was fussy when i went to get him (he had a couple of shots today...)

i talked to my Mom and vented to my sis-in-law (thank you Sarah...)

but it wasn't until Gary swooped me up in his arms that i could {finally} breathe...

he didn't have to say a thing.

he just held me and there we stayed, lingering in the safety of each other

holding on to the hope of silent prayers.

And now i'll finish my wine, head to bed thankful for a patient, forgiving and {loving} husband (and family!)...

and put this day full of self-pity and worry behind me...

and hang on to the one thing that has been consistant in my life no. matter. what:

the Love, Grace, and Hope found in the redeeming presence of my forever forgiving Father...who in His time, makes all things beautiful

(Ecclesiates 3:11).

Tomorrow is gonna be better.