31: {loving} ME (a beginning and an end)

ok.

still in a funk about my bod.

but i'm not going to sit here and wallow. that's just too dang depressing, even though a vent-blog every now and then is definitely neccessary.

i spent the weekend in portland for my sister-in-law's baby shower (she's getting induced tonight, and about to welcome in a Valentine's Day baby boy!) and couldn't help but stare at all of the skinny girls all around me who looked so good and comfortable in whatever they were wearing...and trying to remember how that felt, and pondering how i took that for granted...

i spent the weekend trying not to each {too} many carbs...and sugar...

and trying not to look in the mirror...

but greatly enjoyed the company of my in-laws, and loved getting to take Kai out to fun restaurants and places he's never been. i'm so thankful that he is such a good little traveler, he likes to go, go, go and is definitely social (hmmm wonder where he gets THAT?!)

but after all of my bitching and moaning about my current weight-loss plateau, i couldn't shake a moment that G, Kai and i shared on friday, in the midst of my pre-interview melt-down...

Gary had walked in on me...crying and border-line hysterical, drowning in a sea of rejected too-small clothing items. After telling me, "Babe, you are beautiful, and you literally HAD A BABY just a few months ago..." more than once, he felt compelled to bring Kai into it all in an attempt to get me out of my slump.

I was standing there, looking at myself in my {too small} dress slacks sideways in the mirror (isn't it funny how we think that looking into the mirror with our head-cocked to one side will alter or distort our perception????) and Gary barges in with a squirmy Kai in his arms.

G: "Babe, you are beautiful, you really are. Who cares about those clothes, you are getting skinnier every single day..."

W: {sniff} [glare] "it's been SIX MONTHS. i just feel so...disgusting."

G: (in his Daddy voice) "Kai, look at Mommy, don't you think she is beautiful? isn't she pretty??"

K: {looks at me} *BIG. HUGE. SMILE*

W: {sobs}

...and those weren't neccesarily SAD sobs...they were the kind of tears that come out when your heart swells with love, as in that moment, i SWEAR that Kai told me he thought i was THE most beautiful person in the whole entire world...

and i forgot about me,

and was overwhelmed with thankfulness for my beautiful smiling baby boy.

I have the unconditional love of my ever-encouraging, positive husband...

the support of faithful friends and family...

and the big-blue squinty-eyed gaze of a smiling six-month old.

I'm done whining now.

[applause]

But i am NOT done with this baby-weight battle.

After tomorrow (last "Lovers" post in lieu of Valentine's day!) I will begin my public declaration of all things "fit,"as I get serious about not just my weight, not just my pant-size, but my health and well-being. 

I'm gonna blog about work outs, yoga poses, healthy eating, supplements, postive motivations, i-pod playlists and so on and so on.

I will blog about seeking, embracing and {maintaining} a BALANCED, healthy life (Heaven help me).

Among other things, of course...(smile)

*and thank you all for listening to putting up with my pity party.