motherhood.

If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite,

something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it.

I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean

in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning

and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.Vincent van Gogh

That is really one of the most important life lessons becoming a Mommy has taught me:

slow down.

delight in the little things.

savor sweet moments....

don't let them slip away unnoticed due to YOUR busy schedule.

I won't lie, the initial adjustment into parenthood is not an easy one. You don't really think about how much the obvious changes will effect you right away, but oh, they do.

Like naps. You no longer have the luxury to just lay down and fall asleep whenever you feel like it. Nope, but I sure enjoyed that for 25 years...

And then there are last minute plans. Most of the time it's such a hassle lining up a babysitter and packing up ALL of the neccesary items for baby that unless there is ample notice, it's hardly worthwhile.

It also becomes much more difficult to maintain a clean house. Not only because you are more tired than you've ever imagined you could be, but because you literally have to choose what to clean with the time you have...and most often, there is just not enough time (and energy) to get all the way caught up.

But motherhood has taught me to loosen up and relax the structured, planned, orderly life I'd lived for so long. And in doing so, I have discovered that in my years of keeping constantly busy with work, school, me, me, and more me I have inevitably missed a great deal.

Kai's wonder at life in it's smallest of forms has enabled me to recieve a new kind of joy.

A simple, pure appreciation for God's everyday gifts that are often overlooked.

like the way raindrops slide down the window pane, molding into one another as they roll down the glass...

the sounds different toys make as they clang and clatter into pots and pans...

how heavenly the softness of a fleece blanket right out of the dryer feels on cold skin...

how perfect it feels to just pause in the midst of a hectic day to let someone

hold onto you

with all of their warmth and trust and love.

source

It's in those moments I let my "to-do" list fall to the floor and just

smile, snuggle, and rock.

Kai Crawls!

Kai has always been FULL of energy. Always moving, wanting to go, go, go.

He started sitting up independantly really early and has been walking with our assistance for months.

But he hasn't shown much interest in crawling.

He likes plank position....

and has been kind of scooting along on his tummy, like an awkward army crawl....

and then he started pushing up on his knees.....

but still no crawling.

Mostly fussing, actually, as tummy time is not his fave--which I attest to frustrations from wanting so badly to be independantly mobile and not yet knowing how.

So many of the babies I've been around have crawled SO early, and it seemed like everyone was asking me "so is he crawling yet?"

I was starting to wonder if my busy boy was trying to skip the crawling chapter...
my Mom AND Mom In-Law reassured me that it would happen, but probably later, as G and I both put crawling off until the later months (G crawled at 8 months and I crawled at 10 months. Yes, I said 10.)

................................................................

Last night I had some errands to run so I dropped him off at Auntie Abbey and Uncle Steven's house for a couple of hours. When I came back to pick him up, they said

"you never told us he was full-on crawling!"

"ummmmmm because he hasn't been..." I said, in slight shock.

And sure enough, as if acting on cue, my little stinker crawled right on up to me, seemingly eager to show me his newly learned milestone...

{my heart swelled}

I was proud and sad all at once. My baby boy is growing up....

I think I scared him because I started screaming...and then scooped him up in my arms and snuggled him (still wriggling and wanting down to move).

Well, looks like sombody took after Daddy in the crawling department,

as he will be 8 months in two days...

And just like that, life just got a little more interesting...

I have devised a "trap" of sorts, for when I want to keep him contained so I can, say,

 put clothes away or make the bed without him sneaking away....

He likes it. for now.

Until next time, i'll be busy re-arranging and crawl-proofing our entire household.

sigh.

Putting our eggs in God's basket...

Faith is putting all of your eggs in God's basket, then

counting your blessings

before they hatch.

 ~ Ramona C. Carroll

I don't believe that I have ever welcomed spring as readily as this year.

The past year has been one long carnival ride full of ups and downs and twists and turns of joy, heart break, laughter, frustration and tears (more happy than sad, but definitely more than normal...)

It was a long winter for us. Kai had his big surgery, I made the decision to not return to work only to find that as fate would have it, neither would G. We scraped by off of what was left of our savings after Kai's medical costs and Gary's unemployment checks. Definitely not the ideal living situation and

DEFINITELY a test of faith.

But the days have grown longer, the grass green, and the skeletal tree limbs now glisten with the promise of life.

Spring has arrived.

And with the anticipation of warmer weather, sunnier days and blooming flowerbeds comes hope.

It is a new season:

Gary has returned to work, and to my {delight} he has jobs lined up locally (well, in the Northwest which is pretty dang local compared to what he's been doing!).

I've found part-time work through the end of the year in order to help compensate for some of the debt we've accrued throughout our stint of unemployment...and I have a promising offer in the works for full-time employment next fall :)

Kai's lip/nose have healed in textbook fashion. There have been no complications or surprises, and we are in the clear for additional operations until his extensive dental exam next fall...

.......................................................

Having to live paycheck-to-paycheck and not knowing if we would be able to make our mortgage payment has really done more good than harm. We have a whole new outlook on our finances and money management. We have been really spoiled up until this point (spoiled enough for me to just "opt" out of work and not think twice about it). We have always made large frivilous purchases and taken vacations and never really batted an eye.

Oh my, how things have changed.

We have become practical, coupon-clipping, (for lack of a better word) cheap asses. But ya know what? It suits us. I feel better about our spending habits, and we are most definitely on a more reliable road to becoming debt-free. 

There are, however, a handful of  things indulgences that I've gone without over the last four months that we I am quite excited about partaking in once we build up a little bit of cushion.

Like:

Getting my hair done!!!!!!!!!!!!! (it's been since NO-freakin-VEMBER)

so. not. okay.

thank GOODNESS I'm not the blonde that I once was. that would be extrememly hideous.

A much needed pedicure. I've been good and exercised great self-control in this area, turning down numerous offers to accompany friends and family...I'm definitely due for one.

A little vacation. Nothing big, just a weekend out of town.

I'm thinking Seattle for the weekend of our anniversary (4/14).

*Just the thought of it makes me smile*

Maybe, just maybe a few new clothing items.

I can justify because Seattle boasts some of my favorite second-hand stores and some great sale-racks, AND I kid you not I have not purchased a clothing item of any kind (non-maternity) since I was pregnant. Thats right, no new clothes for 17 months. I've saved us a fortune right there! I'm not gonna go crazy, but I do need a few items...mostly because i'm not all the way back down to my pre-preg size (sigh) and really don't have anything that fits me right at the moment...so it'll be a bittersweet shopping trip, but at any rate, it'll feel nice to slip into something new that fits right! 

Wine. and NOT the $4 Lucky Duck from Walmart.

.......................................................

However, becoming more frugal and disciplined with spending was not the biggest lesson we learned this winter.

The most important, vital lesson we have come out of this trying season with has been learning to do just as the quote says,

leave our eggs in God's basket and count our blessings...while WITH FAITH, we wait.

and trust.

and pray, and pray and pray....

and in the midst of the "unknown," continue to smile, laugh and love.



source



Today, Kai met Spring.

Today Kai and I spent the afternoon in the backyard.

The air was fresh, but warm--and there was the softest tickle of a breeze.

The grass in the yard was soft, lush and green--G mowed yesterday, so the yard was picked up and smelled sweetly of grass clippings.

All in all, a perfect day for Kai to feel {spring} beneath his feet.

He took everything in.

The branches of the trees. The singing birds on the fence. The blue, blue, sky. The tiny bugs.

The feel of the cool grass and damp, squishy soil beneath his feet.

I let him grip my fingers and wander around the yard, wherever he wanted.

He loved to stand beneath the trees and look up at the budding branches. He would try to jump, motioning for me to lift him up. I hoisted him up, above my head into the sea of branches and he smiled, kicked and touched the rough bark of the trunk and limbs.

After a long winter spent in sweaty socks...

spring has arrived, with

barefeet

budding branches

birdsong

and

a babbling baby boy, begging to play outside.

family patchwork

G-K-W

The family. 

A strange little troop of characters journeying through this delightfully complicated life

swapping sickness and toothbrushes, kissing "owies," wiping tears, sharing meals and covers, turning pages and pressing "play," loving, laughing, smiling, sighing... 

living in comfortable closeness secured by a common thread,

a forever stitch 

sewn deep within our souls 

holding us together

like a Mother's arms around her crying child.

maintaining balance: reading for pleasure, taking exercise outdoors & (of course) food

all throughout my Masters program, i kept a running "reading for pleasure" list, as i will admit that i did NOT keep a "balance" between school/work-related reading and personal "for fun" reading (who does can?) much of my grad school reading was compelling, interesting and very relevant, so it wasn't like i was stuck reading the DSM (well, sometimes i was) or pouring over case studies (well, sometimes i was) but for the most part it was all good (i'll admit right now that i actually miss being in school--i could honest-to-God be a lifetime student. i love school. sick? maybe, but very true).

well, i'm done with grad school, and am not planning on going back for the good ol' Doctorate for awhile. someday, perhaps, but not now...

so, i'm reading for pleasure (finally!)

i've been burning through books like crazy, like i'm making up for lost time.

i read mostly at night. after Kai's in bed and i've somewhat put the house back together i look forward to nothing more than making a cup of tea and crawling into bed or into a big fleece blanket on the couch with a book. the problem with this is many times, i can't stop. i keep reading and reading and reading and before i know it, it's 1am...but i'm back at it the next night.

i remember when G and i were first married and i felt guilty asking if i could have my bedside table light on because he had to get up early for work...so i would bribe him with the promise of tickling his back/scratching his head while i read to offset the light being on.

this bit me in the butt.

now EVERYTIME i read in bed, G rolls over (practially across my lap) and says "you know the deal..."

so not only have i been doing a lot of reading, i've been doing a lot of tickling and scratching (sigh).

i've been, like, WAY obsessed with Kristen Hannah. she has 18 novels published, and so far i've read 10. they are pretty good sized, too. but to keep me well versed and balanced, i've started offsetting her novels with non-fiction to kind of give me a bit of variety.

so yesterday, i started (and finished!) Portia De Rossi's Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain

i remembered watching her on Oprah, GMA, the Today Show and, of course Ellen (her wife) promoting the book. She struggled for over twenty years of her life with extreme dieting/bulimia/anorexia (dropping below 90 lbs. at her lowest point), and tells her story with unflinching honesty. i enjoy reading memoirs about real-life people who have triumphed over life's obstacles...especially when they write with such breathtaking, raw courage.

while i have never struggled with an eating disorder i have battled with the pressure to be thin from a society that glorifies skin and bone. i have a naturally very athletic build, and have always had thick legs and been able to put on muscle quite easily. i love food too much to deprive myself, but i have definitely attempted (and failed) some pretty crazy diets/exercise regimes.

i've concluded that no supplement, program, club, class, diet, drink or pill will do the trick.

if something does cause you to lose weight rapidly or drastically, you will inevitably gain it all back (or more!) once you stop. your body will always return to it's natural, "healthy" weight.

with that being said, i'm going to share some of my favorite excerpts from the book (Unbearable Lightness) that i believe everyone can relate to, and should hear. take it for what you will, but i believe it packs a powerful punch:

• I hate the word exercise. I am allergic to gyms. But I don't think that "formal" exercise in a gym is the only way to achieve a healthy, toned body. I have discovered that enjoyable daily activites that are easy, like walking, can be equally beneficial. I have noticed on my daily walk with my dogs that I rarely see an overweight person walking a dog, whereas I see many overweight people walking on treadmills in a gym. I attribute this not only to the frequency of having to walk your dog, but also the good feeling one has when doing something good for another being. Seeing my dogs' excitement as I walk them around my nighborhood every day makes me happy, and when I'm happy I walk a little taller and a little more briskly. I can only imagine the enjoyment parents must experience when seeing the joy on their kids' faces as they play tag football or shoot hoops with them.

• I also enjoy being outdoors. I like breathing the cold night air deeply into my lungs as I walk up the hills in my nieghborhood and smelling the forest air as I walk on hiking trails after a morning rain.

• Another way for me to stay fit is to do activities where I can learn a skill, like horse riding or tennis or dancing. I find that if I can concentrate on getting better at something, rather than getting fitter or looking better, I accomplish all three things- the latter two bieng happy by-products of the original goal. Doing an activity to relax is also important for me. I swim to clear my head rather than count laps and burn calories. Swimming slowly is a form of meditation for me.

• I have found ways to increase my heart rate, stretch my muscles, and breathe deeply every day in an enjoyable way that I would never label as exercise.

• I eat every kind of food that I like, moderating the portions using my appetite and not a calorie counter. I love fat and I love carbs. Nothing fills you up and feels more satisfying than a mashed potato or pasta and olive oil. There are days when I eat a large bag of potato chips for lunch and I feel too full and greasy to eat anything else until dinner. It may not be the healthest, most balanced day in a lifetime of days, but I more than likely won't repeat it in the following day.

• The diet industry is making a lot of money selling us fad diets, nonfat and sugar-free foods full of chemicals, gym memberships, and pills while we lose a little of our self-esteem everytime we fail another diet or neglect to use the gym membership we could barely afford. Restriction genereates yearning.

• You don't have to be emaciated or vomiting to be suffering. All people who live their lives on a diet are suffering. If you can accept your natural body weight-the weight that is easy for you to maintain, or your "set point"--and not force it to beneath your body's natural, healthy weight, then you can live your life free of dieting, of restriction, of feeling guilty every time you eat a slice of your kid's birthday cake. But the key is to accept your body just as it is. Just as I have had to learn to accept that I have thighs that are a little bigger than I'd like, you may have to accept that your arms are naturally a little thicker or your hips are a little wider. In other words, accept yourself.  Love your body the way it is and feel grateful toward it. Most improratant, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are and not just what you look like.

Pretty thought-provoking and inspiring if you ask me.

It really is all about maintaining a healthy balance and accepting and loving and taking care of the bodies that we have been given. Too often we get lost in the lies our culture shoves down our throat that make us believe our attractiveness is directly correlated with our jean size, but I call B.S. on that notion. I'm not as "thin" as I once was, but you know what? I'm happy. I'm healthy. I LOVE getting out and enjoying the sunshine with my baby and puppy dog, and taking (and teaching!) fun classes at my gym. I've lost the pregnancy pounds and am currently sitting at my bodies natural, healthy weight of 150 pounds--not the 125 that I once maintained with such discipline. I've traded size 2's for size 8's but ya know what?

I'm smiling.

FIRST guest post!

And then came Kai...

a poem by Honey the Golden Pyrenees

things have changed, they're not the same

ever since the little one came

it used to be me, the girl and the boy

until the stork dropped off their bundle of joy

they named him Kai, that boy, so small

i thought for sure he was just a doll

i sniffed and watched, but stayed away

that doll named Kai didn't want to play

he just slept, and cried, and looked about

while i sniffed and snuffed and snorted my snout

it took me some time, but i soon enough found

that firey-haired boy was sticking around

so i slid a bit closer, and sniffed and then licked

and to my surprise, he smiled, laughed and kicked

with each day i snuck closer to where he lay

"Honey, nice" they would say, and would say, and would say

i am nice, yes i am, so gentle and kind

but when i'm by that babe, i have a one track mind

i have to, i have to, i have to just taste

that sweet baby boy's soft smiley face

he giggles and wriggles and on my head pounds

but i do it again, because i love his sounds

so that boy and i, yes siree we're now friends

cause you see it's his moods, my walks most days depend

so i lick and i sit and i play and i roll

in hopes that soon we'll be out for a stroll

me on my leash and kai over wheels

or on the girl's back, whatever she feels

the sidewalk is crowded, we no longer run

but a walk is a walk--it's outside in the sun

it's different this life, than it was before

we all used to sleep, sometimes even snore

but now nights are broken into bits of sleep

as off to Kai's room girl must quietly creep

late at night there are cries that nobody hears

but nothing gets by me, not these watchdog ears

i hear that boys cries, even the softest of sounds

and with my wet nose wake Mommy to quiet him down

oh, and wait did i mention the wonderful treats

that Kai drops, even wears for me when he eats?

i wasn't so sure of how life would be

when our family was four and no longer three

but it's good, it's great and most days even grand

with the feel of my fur under Kai's tiny hand.

not just a "scar."

yesterday i had yet another reminder of why i absolutely ADORE working with children.

it's been awhile since i've been immersed in the public school scene, and i am falling quite comfortably back into my old niche amidst the hustle and bustle of the playground, times tables and learning how to share and have manners.

i'd forgotten how much joy, laughter and smiles those little buggers bring (my voice has also forgotten how to stay at an elevated volume for hours on end--i'm hoarse!) and have really enjoyed getting to know the littles that frequent the after school program i'm teaching for the rest of the school year.

it's fun to get students in an "after school" environment. it's a different mentality and allows (and encourages) more time for play and fun (after, of course, homework).

but today i was reminded on a deeper level of another reason

why i have missed working with kiddos.

i was spending time teaching one of the younger girls how to finger knit, and she was firing off a gazillion questions to me about my family. who is your husband? what does he look like? do you have a daughter or a son? do you have a sister? do you have a mom and dad?

and on and on and on...

after learning i'd recently had a baby, she asked, "what is your son's name Mrs. Whitney?"

"His name is Kai," i replied. "it is a Hawaiian name, and means Ocean."

"oh," she exclaimed reflecting on my response.

silence.

{big smile}

"is his middle name yodee?"

"like coy-ote?" I said...

{loud shrieking giggles}

SO CUTE!

then she asked to see pictures of the baby boy, so i dug my blackberry out of my purse...

i showed her a few from when he was just a tiny babe, before his surgery when he had tape on his face for his cleft lip. i even had a picture from right after his operation that i showed her, and explained to her that his lip was fixed now, but he would have a scar there forever.

that squirmy, hyper, bouncing girl just sat there, quietly taking in Kai's story.

i thought maybe she was feeling sorry for my baby, or scared of what i'd shown her (as many young children are, especially of the pictures of his lip before it was corrected).

she just sat there staring at a photo of his smiling healing scarred lip and after a  few moments of silence, said in the most innocent, reassuring voice,

"Mrs. Whitney scars aren't a bad thing you know."

"Nope, they sure arent," i agreed.

"I have a scar too," she nonchalantly remarked.
"it's a lot bigger than your baby's, but it's a happy scar."

"Really?" i say, assuming she was going to show me the scar of a healed bike accident or tree-climbing incident.

i then watched as carefully, with the timid hesitation of a child before revealing their top-secret hiding spot, she pulled the front collar of her purple tee-shirt down to reveal the beginning of a deep, raised, large scar that, she indicated with the trace of her tiny finger ran far down the middle of her small chest.

"my scar is a happy scar because it reminds me of my new heart, she beamed. "it's a strong, healthy heart."

i didn't respond just then because i knew i would burst into tears.

i just smiled and gave her a little squeeze, trying to contain myself and choke back the emotion that so eagerly wanted to come streaming down my cheeks.

that moment was just {another} of those little reminders God sends,

just for you

to let you know you are right where he wants you to be.

someday i will re-tell this story to Kai, and pray that he will find the same strength and pride reflected back at him each time he looks in the mirror, and {sees} the story of his scar.

so thank you, sweet second-grade girl for inspiration, encouragement and affirmation that we all have scars--some just more visible than others--that tell stories of hope, second chances, healing, and in the most powerful form of all, forgiveness.

 "After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. 

The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord"

(John 20:20 NIV).

The Shamrock Shake Surprise

there are guilty pleasures that come along with just about every holiday, and i typically like to take full advantage of festive flavors:

at Christmas, it's fudge, toffee, sugar cookies, hot buttered rum, EGG NOGG LATTES, etc.

Thanksgiving boasts pies, candied sweet potatoes, cheesecake, WINE.....

Valentines Day = CHOCOLATES (the darker the better, preferably with a good red wine)

4th of July= fried chicken and  ice-cold BEER.

Halloween= handfuls from the candy bowl (and lots of those delicious candy corn pumpkins!)

Well, I'll be honest and admit that i'm really not a fan of the green beer. This does not mean that I frown upon all green holiday themed  beverages, as the one indulgence I crave when March rolls around is the perfectly flavored, delicious SHAMROCK SHAKE.

Hands down, my favorite milk shake flavor. EVER. (maybe because they are only offered one month out of the year...thank goodness for that!).

So tonight, Gary and his brother Jake (who is staying with us right now for their work) were one their way over to my parents house to sit in the hot-tub. Like the good Mommy that I am (ha!) I stayed behind to keep to Kai's bedtime routine. Because I was feeling sorry for myself that I was not going to get to bask in the glorious waters of the super-jets I told Gary he better bring me home a Shamrock Shake...after all, McDonalds is practically a stone's throw away from my parent's house.

"A Shamrock Shake with no whipped cream" was my order. "Please."

They returned home a little over an hour later. Kai was squeaky clean and fast asleep and I was sprawled out on our bed with damp clothes (a combination of bath water, formula and pee--Kai's, not mine ya sicko!). You know when you go to your room to do something like change or fold clothes or make the bed, but at the sight of your bed you just collapse? Yeah, that's what happened.

Well, I was reading my book too. Not just staring at the ceiling like a weirdo.

The moment I hear the key jam into the lock, my mouth instantly begins to salivate. I can already taste the sweet sugary shamrock...

Gary comes back to the room....with no shake.

"Ummmmm aren't you forgetting something?" I ask, like a fat little brat.

"Oh, don't you worry, it's out there" G replies.

I hear him and Jake talking out in the kitchen and then he {finally} brings me my shake (I'm still laying in bed NOT staring at the ceiling).

Perfect. No whip, just as I'd requested. I suck that thing down in less than 3 minutes, I kid you not.

As my straw-slurping at the last drops of green goodness at the bottom of the cup begins to echo down the hall, Jake comes back to "show me a video."

Yeah, that just happened.

No whip, just like I ordered (THEY, obviously, did not).

I was wondering why Honey intently sat

drooling at the foot of the bed while I gulped it down.

And I even let her lick out the cup....

Well, that concludes my St. Patty's day indulgences for the year...

Next comes Easter:

Bring on the Cadbury mini eggs ;)

finding "matching" pieces...

Sometimes

I do get to places

just when God's ready

to have somebody

click the shutter. 

~Ansel Adams

There are a {handful} of pictures just like this one, tucked away in a bulging album, slightly discolored and musty smelling from being pressed together on dusty shelves for over twenty-six years.

Just as Kai is a part of me, he is a part of my Dad and his Dad and his Dad...

This photo saves a moment

and

connects a generation...

and with a "click"

another piece of the puzzle of this unpredictable, heart-breakingly beautiful life
slides into place.

refusing to give into apathy. anger. helplessnes. (in the wake of tragedy...)

when the news of the tragic earthquake/ensuing tsunami first hit the news i stared {silent} at the screen, my heart anxious and aching for the great loss and devastation weighing heavy upon the people of Japan.

without thinking, i peeled my eyes away from the screen and walked straight into Kai's bedroom, where he lay fast asleep in his crib. i picked him up and just held him close, taking in his sweet baby smell and feeling the rythym of his warm breath on my neck.

{life is precious}

i hate that helpless feeling. you know, the kind you get when something really terrible happens and you can't do anything to stop it. it could be a natural disastor, like this one all the way across the globe OR, maybe a relative with cancer. death. a friend who has lost their marriage--or baby. a hurting, lost child.

you find yourself asking "why."

your heart feels cold, questioning and sometimes {bitter}.

you feel helplessly adrift in a deep sea of suffering.

but it's in those very moments that we often fail to realize that we (yes, you and me) are equipped with the ability to provide the most vital, important kind of support that one can offer. 

Prayer.
^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

 Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

too often we underestimate the power of prayer. but just think of how much more {hope} you could bring to your life and the lives of those around you if you decided to replace all of your energy spent on worry, with prayer.

Life is overwhelming, and nothing that WE can do, on our own, will ever be enough. We will continue to question, blame and drown in depression and search for meaning until we {embrace} the God who gives life and

hears the prayers of His children.

 Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you {hope} in the Lord.

Psalm 31:24.

source

In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul.

Psalm 94:19

just a little update...

I haven't blogged in a couple of days...it's not that I haven't wanted to, I just honestly have NOT had the time. or energy. or enough caffeine to stay awake. (all of the above).

This has been kind of a big week for us.

I started not one, but TWO part-time jobs...so that makes THREE part-time jobs total (that equal around 25 hours give-or-take):

1) Yoga instructor at Club24
2) GED Examiner at Blue Mountain Community College (Hermiston)
3) Site teacher for Champions extended learning (K-5 afterschool program)

I forgot how overwhelming it is to start a new job. The overload of new information is exhausting and well, it's just been awhile since i've worked (outside of the home and gym).

But it feels good to get out and {help} others again. It's really made me realize how much I MISS working with kids (and teenagers, I guess...haha). I just feel like i'm in my element when i'm working with students, whether it be on homework, playing a game, doing an activity or just talking about life. It feels good.

AND {happy dance!} GARY got called for work (finally!). It's not a big job, but it's WORK and it's been long overdue (3 months). He's in Seattle this weekend for a Union meeting so I'm flying solo with baby, just like the old days (it's weird!).

All in all, that explains my little vacation from the blogosphere. I've been trying to balance house chores and baby all the while up to my ears in training manuals, paperwork and seemingly hundreds of "introductory" emails.

I came home last night to a VERY messy house, which I was far too tired to clean (or care). I had some prep to do for my Saturday yoga class so I put Kai to bed, did my work and then crashed. But after two wake-ups from Kai and an early alarm, it felt like I didn't even get a full hour of sleep!!

But yoga, POWER yoga has a fabulous way of energizing me and really waking me up. My Mom came over to watch Kai while I went to teach (and wake myself up!) and when I came home my house was clean. Dishes done, floors swept and vaccumed, laundry started. {I LOVE MY MOM!}

So here I am now: work out done, house clean, baby sleeping, breakfast made, coffee in hand (and it's only 10am!!).

Today I'll catch up on laundry, get some reading done (work-related AND for pleasure!) and maybe if i'm really feelin' in, I'll finish our taxes ( we ALWAYS procrastinate our taxes. bad habit, I know...). Tonight, we'll attend Jude's birthday party (she's 2! what the heck?!) at "Nana's" house but for right now, I'm going to get caught up on my blog writing {and} reading....

and spending my Saturday peacefully abiding in the arms of a God who SO faithfully provides.

big worries buried by small blessings...

It's the little things.

The tiniest, ever-so-small objects. notions. sparkles. creatures. people...

that, if noticed....if taken in and appreciated...offer us such {great} joy.

I was mindlessly picking up around the house and as I hung up one of my stray bags I spotted the tiniest little GAP hat, hung right there on the weighed down coat rack, and felt my heart warm and a teary smile stretch across my face.

Too often I feel like that coat rack. Tired, at capacity, and burdened by a heavy load.

And then it happens.

Like a divine wake-up call, I'm drawn out of my selfish pity and greed by some small notion that pulls me back to proper perspective....it could be a smile. a hug. a phone call. a letter. a text. a song. a verse. witnessing a tender moment, or sefless act. gaining inspiration from the humble service of another. a random act of kindness....

or a small little hat...

waiting to be worn by my sweet little messy blessing, who has made our family feel so complete.

and just like that, my heavy load is lightened.

{thankful}

perpetual messes and forever hope...

It's peaceful now. 

Kai's down for his afternoon nap, the television is off, the windows are open and the only sounds are the breeze whistling through the screen and the occasional hum of 10th Avenue traffic.

I always often take time to put my house back together once Kai gives in to sleep. It's amazing how a seven-month old can create such disarray when he doesn't even walk (or really crawl for that matter). It's his dang Elmo walker. It gets him pretty much anywhere he wants to go...I guess it's good practice for us for when he starts toddling around on his own.

Even now, after my quick "clean-up" efforts there are signs of Kai everywhere.

A yellow spatula under the chair, the blanket pulled off the back of the rocker, a sprinkle of potting soil to the left of one of the plants, G's keys on the rug, little finger smudges on the sliding door...a little sock here, a damp bib over there (maybe my cleaning efforts need some re-evaluating?!).

He's all over the place. 

And just when I put things back together, and restore some kind of order...

I turn my back and it's crooked, dirty, wet, smeared, spilled, knocked over, chewed on.....

He's left his mark on just about everything in this house. Including me (squash AND formula on my black workout pants as we speak).

source

Just as I see traces of Kai on my floors, my furniture, my clothes and my walls,

so I see traces of God....

in the tiny green buds of springtime,

in the sunrise, 

in tight hugs from children, 

in smiles from strangers,

in thoughtful texts from old friends, 

in a sleepy kiss from G, 

in the selflessness of a good teacher,

in the cheerful bird chorus from backyard trees, 

in confusion 

and frustration 

and tears 

and stress...

He's there.

Even when I choose not to see Him..

Whispering, waiting

ever-present, ever-forgiving, all-knowing...

offering me strength to tackle another day of life's messes with {joy}.

I can never escape from Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence! If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I go down to the grave, You are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your strength will support me.  

Psalms 139:7-10

"Mommy Just Wants to Sleep" (Dr. Seuss style)

so sleepy, so tired, i think i might die!

all of this because of a young boy named Kai...

he eats! he drinks! he poops! he pees!

he scoots on the floor and pulls up on his knees!

he loves his books, dogs and plants and plays with his toys

and finds dirt and bugs delightful, as do most young boys...

but there is one thing that my Kai just won't do

and that's sleep through the night, oh poor me, boo hoo!

he plays all day long and takes such good naps

collapsing worn out from his play, perhaps

once evening comes round, he's all a fuss

and this is the part when i just want to cuss(!)

at supper he shovels his food like a race

a collage of his plate all over his face

after dinner it's playtime, and then {plop!} in the bath

warm water, toys, bubbles...you do the math.

Kai doesn't want out, oh no, no, no, he flails

like a ship in a storm with rip in it's sails

he wants to stay in that bath, the water gone cold

and his fingers and toes wrinkled like he is old

but up out of the bath i heave my wriggling boy

now it's lotion, diaper, jammies...he's peeing! oh joy...

now smelling all clean of baby-like scent

we snuggle up for a book, or a "snack" is what i meant

for that boy, he loves books as i read like a clown

but if not in his mouth he will only frown

next comes prayers then a bottle, snuggled up on moms bed

these moments i cherish with my peacefully sleeping red-head

the little monster, he sleeps! to his crib i softly creep

and tuck little boy in, so precious, asleep

then i rush around, rush around, rush around house

 tidying, cleaning, washing...quiet as a mouse

and once i'm in bed, all tucked in with care

just drifting off into slumber, his sobs fill the air

milk, mommy! milk, mommy! milk, mommy! say his cries

as i use my superpowers to prop open my eyes

this happens, i tell you once, twice, sometimes more

i ought to just sleep in a ball on on his floor...

then at 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock no later, he'll rise

bright-eyed scolding and singing...to mommy's demise. 

but how can i, how can i, how can i not

go scoop up my sweet baby, he's the best thing I've got.

faith like a child: walks with kai & honey

i have always enjoyed getting outside and exercising. ESPECIALLY when it's favorable outside (which to me, is sunshine and a temperature above 50!).

there have been several days over the last few years when work was stressful and hard, and i would watch the clock, anxious to drive home, climb into comfy sweats, hook Honey to her leash and head outside not just to exercise, but to {breathe}.

i think back to last year about this time, when Kai was growing in my tummy. i was beginning to get uncomfortable and walking was my saving grace. i felt SO much better getting up and around and taking in fresh spring air. it woke me up and gave me lots of time to pray and talk to my baby boy (and Honey, of course).

now i walk (instead of waddle, ha!) the same routes but with baby on my back, instead of front. i often wonder if i was doing the same route one year ago today, wondering what my baby would be like...

*******************************

i have always used Honey as accountability to get outside and exercise. she is a high energy dog, and her breed tends to put on the pounds if they don't get proper exercise. we used to tear up 6-7 mile runs 4 mornings a week.

then i got pregnant and we {both} got fat.

i can't imagine what we'd look like if we didn't walk like we did throughout my pregnancy...

but now, i have not only Honey as motivation to get outdoors and exercise, i have Kai.

i LOVE to explore with Kai. i show him leaves, tress, birds and LOVE that i live in a neighborhood that boasts nearby pastures full of llamas, ostrich, chickens, horses, goats and cows.

i often wonder what goes through his mind as we head out of the house that has, for seven months, been his whole world.

is he scared? confused? excited?

as we march up sunny sidewalks, over grassy fields, across rocky trails and along running streams he smiles, babbles, kicks and relaxes.

he feels safe, there on my back, ever trusting that i will not lead him into harms way.

our house is out of sight. the smells are not familiar and it can be a bit bumpy....

but Kai knows he is safe and sound on Mommy's back, or in the familiar confines of the jogger. he trusts that while i may lead him down unfamiliar roads and introduce him to new sights and sounds that i will always lead him home.

this is how Jesus has called us to be. 

ever-trusting. 

content in the unknown. 

resting in the sometimes unfamiliar, sometimes uncomfortable, 

with faith like a child.

(Matthew 18:2-4)

so look up. take courage. home is closer than you think.

4 tips for a HAPPIER you:

instead of posting a sugary-sweet hot breakfast recipe to indulge in on this Saturday, i will instead post a few "happiness" tips from the fabulous book i am currently reading.

surely these will do your saturday just as good (or better) than a hot, sweet breakfast...

i love reading books and learning about "people," and love the study of people and behavior in general so i am always drawn to books about the psychology of human thought and meaning...

The book:

Thrive: Finding Happiness The Blue Zones Way

by Dan Buettner 

(A "Blue Zone" is a geographical area that represents longevity)

 *italics indicate excerpt from book
Happiness tip #1: EXERCISE

People living in thriving countries tent to participate in a physical activity 1 to 2 times each week, according to the Gallup World Poll. Those who participate in even small amounts of physical activity report smiling more, or being treated with respect on a regular basis.


I can definitely attest to this. It's on your very worst days, yes, the days when you want to come home, put your jammies on and watch chick flicks and eat ice cream straight from the carton that you NEED TO EXERCISE the most! It's amazing how just getting out and working your muscles and sweating somehow shifts everything back into perspective, and makes you go from feeling sorry for yourself and down-in-the-dumps to confident and motivated. The hardest part is the act of getting off your butt and changing into your workout clothes, but if you can just get over that hurdle and get yourself outside or in the gym it's amazing the good it will do for your body and mind!

Happiness tip #2: FAITH

Religion and faith are often linked to happier lives. However, according to Ed Diener, author of the book Happiness, it's a religion's broader lessons that lead to happiness--acting selflessly and morally, having a sense of purpose, finding meaning in daily activities, and expanding positive emotions on a continual basis.

for me, it's plain and simple. without my faith, my life is empty. I've spent a few chapters of my life distant from God, and it's undoubtedly during those years that my life was, for lack of a better word, a wreck. i lacked purpose and meaning and was a greedy, self-serving, material, pleasure-seeking, very very EMPTY girl. my relationship with God is what puts power behind my stride. it's what gives me strength when I'm weak, hope when I'm hopeless and joy in seemingly dark days. there are so many things that come and go in life, and things change every single day...but the one thing that is forever constant, steady and reliable is Jesus. 

Happiness tip #3: SUN


Being happy can be as simple as stepping outside on a sunny day. The sun provides us with vitamin D, also known as the "happiness vitamin," which naturally increases the levels of the feel-good chemical serotonin in the brain. Doctors often prescribe sunlight to their patients who suffer from seasonal depression during the winter months.


oh, how i love the sun. i could honest-to-God live in a place void of seasons where the sun shines bright each and every day...ahhhhhhh, the thought of it. i remember when i first moved to Seattle from Eastern Oregon my body went through major sun-deprivation. it was going on almost three straight months of rain and i couldn't figure out why i was sleeping ALL the time, and always felt lethargic and moody. Dr. orders: SUN. He said even when it was overcast, i should try to get outside for at least 30 minutes because i was still able to soak up some of that good Vitamin D. so i did, and i guess it helped because it never got any worse! something as simple as just getting outside to breathe fresh air and feel the sun on your skin and breeze on your face works wonders for one's mood and energy levels. it's easy to get caught up in the mix of our busy lives and forget the importance of taking time to step outside and just breathe and enjoy God's great creation....

Happiness tip #4: WINE

Drinking even just one glass of wine leads to increases in the happiness-inducing chemical dopamine in our brain. Enjoying that glass of wine with friends will also add to an enhanced feeling of cheer.

no, I'm not suggesting we should all become "winos" to achieve ideal happiness. i think the essence of this message is to remember to take time for YOU. sometimes, treating ourselves to that glass of wine or espresso enables us to slow down and {savor}life--sometimes alone, sometimes in the company of friends.

source

so there you have it.

agree with the 4 tips or not, i'm confident there is something here that we can all work on in hopes of increasing happiness.

so on that note,  

{Happy} Saturday!

friday night LIKES!

as i reflect upon this week's "likes" on this friday night here's what comes to mind...

sunshine. 

leaving a job interview wearing confidence and a smile. 

open windows and fresh air. 

foregoing dishes and laundry during baby boy's naptime to read a good book. 

flower buds beginning to form. 

light sneaking in between the bedroom curtains earlier and earlier each day. 

sweating through 2 sports bras, a tank top and my sweatshirt at the gym. 

apple-cinnamon tea with honey-wheat pretzels. 

messy-faced smiles. 

a soft furry friend laying on my cold feet in the mornings. 

tuning into K-Love at just the right time and hearing something that speaks life to my soul. 

seeing how kai can light up sad faces of strangers at the store. 

tortas from Rudy's (omg). 

surprise gifts from generous parents. 

G allowing me to tuck my ice-cold feet beneath his warm legs when i crawl into bed (rare). 

bubble baths with a babbling baby. 

long walks.

public libraries.

cookies & cream pudding. 

spin class (especially after indulging in cookies & cream pudding!). 

stumbling across an affirming Bible verse. 

chai latte creamer from International Delights (YUM!)